Dudley Dorite (Of The Highway Patrol)

(Album: Surely You Joust - 1986)

Well they call him Dudley Dorite, but that's not his real name
The toughest highway cop from California to Maine
He hides back in the bushes with the latest radar
He'll take your picture, then he'll catch you in his modified car
His heart's hard as concrete and his blood is ice cold
He's Dudley Dorite of the highway patrol Dudley Dorite

He'll pull up behind you in that fast-modified car
And walk up to you and hook both thumbs over that black hand-tooled leather pistol belt
Look down at you from behind them cool-hand Luke
Man with no eyes, sunglasses and say
"Clocked you back 'ar At 57 1/2 miles an hour, yeah I did
Guess you know you're in a heap o'trouble don't you boy?
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh"

He rides a big ole Harley, got a Mustang GT
And a bell helicopter hidden in the pine trees
If he catches you for speeding, it's ten years to life
And if you protest he takes your first born child, your house, and your wife

You wanna let me see your license there boy?
You do have a license, don't you boy?
You wanna just take it out of that there wallet there for me, boy?
Yeah… well, looka here what we have here?

I was down in the Southland, late for a show
Had the pedal to the metal and a long way to go
Talking on the CB, had my fuzz-buster on
There was not a soul in sight so I kept moving along
Looked in my mirror and Lord bless my soul
There was Dudley Dorite of the highway patrol Dudley Dorite

Well, looky what we got here, Mr. Raymone Stevenson
Ole Ahab The Arab his own self
You want an autograph? Huh?
Not exactly, son
My wife Ethel, uh
You do 'member Ethel don't you, boy?
That shameless hussy, she was saying to me she says "Bubba"
That's right, name's Bubba
And I just happen to be the lustrous potentate of this here local shrine temple
"Bubba, why do you s'pose it is that that
Raymone Steveson treats us so ugly on all his phonograph records?"
And I said "I don't know", and I turned to my brother Clyde
And his wife, sister Bertha
And they said they didn't know neither
'Bout that time, my nephew Harv Newland come in and I sez
"Harv, have you heard that Raymone Stevenson's latest meanness on the phonograph record?"
He looked up at me and said, "Yeah, I did
And Uncle Bubba how do you s'pose it is
That Raymone Steveson knew I had a steeple on my barber shop?"
Well, I guess you just better come along with me, boy
Ole deputy Coy's got a bone or two he'd like to pick with you his own self
Guess ever-thing ain't so dadburned beautiful right now, is it, huh?

Well they call him Dudley Dorite, but that's not his real name
The toughest highway cop from California to Maine
He hides back in the bushes with the latest radar
He'll take your picture, then he'll catch you in his modified car
His heart's hard as concrete and his blood is ice cold
He's Dudley Dorite of the highway patrol Dudley Dorite