The Simple Plot Of Metal Gear Solid

(Album: Player Select - 2014)

[Host (Danny Sexbang):]
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of 'Talking Video Games'
We continue today in our series of games with simple plots
Guests, please introduce yourselves and tell us the plots of your games
[Burger Time Chef (Egoraptor):] I'm the chef from Burger Time! I make-a the burgers!
[Centipede (Danny Sexbang):] Hello, I'm centipede. I just kinda move down the screen
[Solid Snake (Egoraptor):] Hey, I'm Snake from Metal Gear Solid. My game's got a pretty simple story...
[Host:] Snake, I don't see your name on the list...
[Solid Snake:] Ah, my friend Cloud Strife told me to come on this show and talk about it...
[Host:] Oh God, no...

[Solid Snake:]
It was the distant future, two thousand and five
All I wanted to do was chill out and retire
But genetically enhanced renegades, named Foxhound
Stole a bunch of nukes and had shit on lockdown
[Host:] Okay we're past our time limit, Snake!
[Solid Snake:]
Colonel Campbell said I had to infiltrate
Before they start a nuclear conflict
What a bunch of jerks!
[Host:] You're a bag of dicks
[Solid Snake:]
I climbed through an air vent and saved two guys
They shared top secrets and suddenly died
Of two heart attacks right out of thin air
Both within five minutes!
[Host:] Oh my God, I don't care!
[Solid Snake:]
Then I met Meryl, a hot box of rocks
And I fought a gunslinger named Ocelot
But a cyborg ninja cut his hand away
You know, normal shit that happens every day

[Host:]
Listen Snake, there must have been a mistake
On this show you've got to get right to the point of your game
Like the ship from Galaga
[Galaga Ship (RubberNinja):] Hi, I shoot stuff in space
[Host:] And this car from Pole Position
[Pole Position Car (Egoraptor):] I'm a car!
[Host:] That's great!
[Host:]
You know we've been through this before with your boy Cloud Strife
And he talked too long I contemplated ending my life
So let's keep things nice and simple like the hero over there
From the Atari game Adventure
[Adventure Hero:] I'm literally just a yellow square!

[Solid Snake:]
Who cares
I tried really hard to find a mech named Rex
And the ninja came back in the mix like Chex
It was Grey Fox and I fought Vulcan Raven
A big motherfucking Alaskan shaman
So I killed that guy but before he died
He said Meryl liked me, I almost cried
She's a little hottie pants, ooh-meow!
[Host:] It would be so great if you died right now
[Solid Snake:]
I killed Sniper Wolf who was absurdly hot
And then murdered three guys and an evil robot
'Til Liquid Snake and I were left alone
He said that I was his brother and a superior clone
Then he died of a virus and thinking fast
Meryl saved us
[Host:] I don't give a frog's fat ass
[Solid Snake:]
Then we stayed together until the seven year itch
And now you know the simple plot of Metal Gear bitch!

[Host:]
Listen Snake I've taken all I can take
Just because your game is simple doesn't mean that it's lame
Tell them, kid from Paperboy
[Paperboy (Egoraptor):] Yo, I deliver those papers!
[Host:] The guy from Elevator Action
[Elevator Action Guy (Egoraptor):] Uh, elevators?
[Host:] Okay!

Dear God
Why can't I just have a single panel of guests
Who can say their plots in forty fucking minutes or less
Now just watch me, Snake before you make me reach for a gun
I'll summarize your game and show you how this shit is really motherfucking done!
How it's motherfucking done!
"You sneak around and save the world. The End."

My God, can I get a replacement guest with a simple plot please?
[Sora (Egoraptor):] Hi, I'm Sora from Kingdom Hearts!
[Host:] Nooooooooooo!