Handbasket

(Album: Acoustic Monday Album - 2019)

You know recently there's been a lot of people talking about heaven and hell
So I decided to join the conversation by writing this song
This one's called "Handbasket"

I been drinking all day and was looking for love
I got a call from a girl in the apartment above
She told me to come up and I was happy as hell
I couldn't walk so well so I stumbled and fell
A ten story fall down a fire escape
I didn't wanna die yet but it was too late
Halfway down I saw a flashing light
A dude with a beard came into my sight
He said "my name is God and I been watching you sin
I'm up here in heaven, do you wanna get in?
Apologize before you land
If you don't then you'll be damned"

I'll send you to hell
In a handbasket
Where you'll burn just like your body will
You're too flat for the damn casket

So I apologized
And when I hit the ground I felt no pain whatsoever, I just ended up in this clear glass elevator and shot straight upward
Past the clouds, past more clouds
It took a long time but eventually I saw the pearly gates of heaven
And when I got to the pearly gates I noticed that they were very fancy
There's red velvet ropes everywhere. It was very, how do you say... prestigious
And sure enough I was on the VIP list
So I decided to walk on in

On the first day in heaven it was kinda cool
I learned to play harp and sat by the pool
Second day I felt safe and sound
Just eating grapes and floating around
And there were clouds everywhere and they were kinda soft
But the novelty of sitting on 'em soon wore off
I had a couch on Earth and it was soft to touch
Sat on that motherfucker way too much
So by the third day in heaven I was ready to drink
My tolerance level was starting to shrink
So for the next four days I searched near and far
Not one liquor store, not a single bar
So when the first week in heaven was over
I hadn't had sex and I was totally sober
And that's when it occurred to me
I can't do this for eternity
So why I went to God's office and I knocked on his door
Told him "I don't wanna be up here in heaven anymore"
Told him "I appreciate you having me as a guest
But I just got one little request"
I said

Send me to hell
In a handbasket
'Cause if this right here is heaven
Hell sounds fantastic

So God went in the back and did some paperwork
And sure enough my request was approved my request to go straight to hell
So after that I got in the uh, the same clear glass elevator and went down
Started going down past the clouds, past the clouds, past more clouds, past the ground, going down, down, down, down, down
It seemed like it took forever, man
It was way down there, but eventually, I got to the gates of hell
The gates of hell, they weren't all Hollywood like the pearly gates
It was just like a red door on a brick wall, it looked like somewhere I would hang out on Earth
Like a dive bar or somewhere, you know?
So I went in

On the first day in hell I didn't like it a lot
It was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, fucking hot
On the second day I was less concerned
And by the third day I was used to the burn
And on the fourth day I started walking around
Realized it was a hell of a town
I saw liquor stores, strip clubs, bars, saloons
And all my favorite musicians playing tunes
I saw Eazy-E
Odie B
Mozart smoking PCP
I got a shot of whiskey and they said it was free
A little cocktail waitress came up to me, she said
"Do you want some morphine
I'm headed to an orgy
I want you to escort me"
I said "sure please"
It's New Orleans on crack
Heaven I ain't never coming back
I'm a sinner with the liver of a Jack Kerouac
Saw the devil drive by in a black Cadillac
Biggie sitting next to him in the red and black lumberjack hat
God damn
Feeling so grand, got another shot of whiskey
And I lifted up my hand, I said "hey it's the new guy"
I wanna pose a toast
To the devil, not the Father, Son or Holy Ghost
I'm about to spend infinity years comatose
Push it to the limit, it's impossible to overdose
I don't see the need to be forgiven
I'm at peace being a heathen in hedonism
I don't need the key to living I'm already dead
So I drank and said "I love it here in hell"

And what the fuck is a handbasket? Is it like a picnic basket? It's a weird vehicle to use to go to hell in, wouldn't you say? Do we all have our own handbasket or is there like a ski lift going back and forth, from hell to Earth in handbaskets taking people down?
I have no fucking idea
It's a really strange concept
And I just can't grasp it