Skipper Dan

(Album: Alpocalypse - 2011)

I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard

Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be calling me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doing 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wiggling their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughing at my own jokes but I'm crying inside
Cause I'm working on the Jungle Cruise ride

Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother trying to IMDB me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is riding my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
Cause I'm paying the rent and I'm swallowin my pride
And I'm working on the Jungle Cruise ride

I should be there on Broadway
Knocking 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here telling these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again

Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!

I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doing 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin their ears
Somebody shoot me cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
Cause I'm working on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still working on the Jungle Cruise ride