Cabin Fever

(Album: 28 Wednesdays Later - 2020)

Yeah
Man, this year is fucking killing me
Being trapped in this fucking house?
I'm losing it

Stab myself in the neck to see how quick I bleed out (ow)
That's how I bored I been in quarantine stuck in a fucking house
Good thing I got a pound of drugs up under the couch
If I didn't, shit, I woulda lost my mind by now (yeah)
So bored that I stapled my own dick to the floor (ooh)
Just to see what would happen (fuck) and I can't piss anymore
So my bladder backed up and exploded up in my body (ugh)
But I picked up surgery as my quarantine hobby (haha)
So I managed to tape it up and stapled it shut
And rerouted my urethra, now I pee through my butt
Webby, seriously dog, like what the fuck?
My bad, I'm on drugs, I'm just making this up (true)
I went MILF hunting at Whole Foods with whole plans
Hadn't gotten laid in weeks, I was ready to go ham
Tried to fuck a cougar but settled for roast ham
And by that I mean, actually fucking a roast ham
I put on a Trojan and grabbed it with both hands (oh yeah)
And lubed that bitch up with a can of cold spam (ugh)
Gave it a few thrusts (ugh), got a quick nut
Till they called the pigs up (oh shit), then I just zipped up and I ran (skedaddle)
Now that's a triple pork entendre
Probably got like eighty seven baby mommas (yeah), that's why
I will always stay changing my numbers (who's my dad)
Mmh, nah, I'll just let him wonder, kinda kidding
But what's a future with some kids in my plans?
I mean, our only common interest is shitting our pants and sucking our tits
And regularly having women wiping down and touching our dicks
(Yo, you bugging for this)
I went on the dark web drunk the other night
And woke up with a brand new Ukrainian wife
Gotta be honest, at first, shit was pretty uncomfortable
So I loosened her up with that classic Cliff Huxtable (here, drink this)
That's a roofie joke, that's cool in 2020, right? (Right?)
No? I'm just tryna keep it light (oh shit)
But it's hard to read the room, shit I got terrible sight
Can I at least make jokes about transvestites
Or would that make me a dick, get it? Make me a dick (haha)
And all these uptight buttholes are making me sick (fuck you)
I'm in the gender neutral bathroom taking a shit
Door open, sitting there waving and shit (hi)
Like hi kids, do you like sirens?
Hang around with me enough, you'll see police officers and firemen
Following me driving, swerving till they piling
On top of each other as I just speed away smiling (yeah)
'Cause Webby so ridiculous, crazy as a bitter bitch
That I haven't texted back since I gave her syphilis (fuck you, Chris)
And gonorrhea, I ain't know I was infected
But it's all good, at least I've been coronavirus tested (true)
Swabbed on my dick, then I went and post-marked it
Priority mail, right to the Wuhan market
Pretty sure I'll pass, I've been wearing a mask
And been healthy on a diet, eating nothing but bat (delicious)
On my Ozzy Osbourne, just a child of the corn
They mistook me for some kinda devil that's in human form
Till I bleached my red skin and I sawed off my horns, 'cause
All I do is sin, take drugs, and watch porn
Got a Craigslist hooker just to talk to her
Thought it would be chill, but nothing coulda been awkwarder
All I needed was someone to listen to what I said
"Get a therapist!", she told me, while giving me head
Yeah, I got a lotta problems but I never let 'em get to me
Fart on elevators and I blame the woman next to me (gross)
All for gender equality as long as that includes
A bitch doing my laundry and getting my dishes washed for me
Honestly, I'm just motherfucking kicking up dust
Just to do it, so you can go and lick on my nuts
You can find me all high in my car getting puffed
Either there or at the dog park sniffing butts
Yeah, I'm frigging nuts, do you not get it? (Get it)
Shit, I always was, then you add a pandemic
When I'm locked in the crib with mad pills, free time, and no chill
But fuck it, we going crazier still, now here's a hook, so

Follow my lead and do what I do (come on)
Snort a buncha cocaine and run around nude (yeah)
Jump in the gorilla enclosure up at the zoo (do it)
You show up, black out to your work interview, so
Follow my lead and say what I say (say it)
Piss off any and everybody that's in the way (fuck it)
Who gives a fuck? Shit, the world is ending any day
Shit, I forgot to write a last line, fuck it