JAP Battle

(Album: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Season 1 - Volume 2) - 2016)

[Audra:]
This is real deep beef
From way back in the past
Deeper than I'll put a foot up
In the crack of your ass

Come on, let's do this
Your little pals can witness how vicious
This Westchester alpha bitch is
I'm straight up malicious
A verbal curb stomper
Since we were toddlers I've studied every
Chink in your armor
And between your folks' divorce
And that haircut on you
I'm really not sure
Which one's the bigger shondeh

[Rebecca:]
That means "disgrace"
I'm translating for the goys
Our lifelines have been parallel like corduroys
But now, we'll see whose bars will prevail
In this beef of two hard-as-nails
Shebrews from Scarsdale

[Audra:]
We've got a conflict of interest

[Rebecca:]
I'm about to give Levine the business

[Audra:]
Spitting venomous hate

[Rebecca:]
Penetrating her defenses

[Rebecca & Audra:]
It's a JAP battle

[Darryl:]
A what?

[Lawyers:]
A Jewish American Princess

[Audra:]
Rap battle

[Lawyers:]
Daughters of privilege

[Audra:]
Spitting mad flow

[Lawyers:]
Find that term offensive?

[Audra:]
Too bad, yo!

[Rebecca & Audra:]
Oh, snap! It's a JAP battle rap!

[Rebecca:]
Look, academically, you could never catch me
You were close, but no match scholastically
Nohow, no way I put the "O.G." in "5.0 G.P.A."

[Audra:]
Well, speaking of which, are you A.P. graded?
'Cause these days you look a bit heavily weighted
And all your book cracking
Don't make up for the fact that I'm strapped
With that killer instinct that you lack
Sweetheart, here's what you're not understanding
I'm street-smart..

[Rebecca:]
You mean, 'cause you minored in Urban Planning?
Bitch, I know you
That tough act's a bluff
So sheket bevaka shut the hell up

[Audra:]
Your temper, you lost it! Oh, cute
Like you're going to lose this lawsuit
Keeping your piehole shut would be quite wise
Though you kept it open wide for the AEPI guys

[Rebecca:]
And I banged your hedge fund manager fiancé
Back in college over winter holidays
Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball
And honestly, I gotta say
Really not hot at all
Finished quick, rotten lay

[Lawyers:]
This is

[Rebecca:]
A JAP battle

[Lawyers:]
Bane of my existence

[Rebecca:]
Your rhymes are facile

[Audra:]
From Golden's Bridge

[Rebecca:]
To North Castle

[Rebecca & Audra:]
Wipe you off the map
In this JAP battle rap

[Audra:]
Bunch, you're a curse, you're a blight
We were frenemies at first spite
Think your verse is tight?
Then you're tripping like birthright
I'll wipe the mirth right off your ugly mug
And fill you full of slugs
Like a straight up thug

[Rebecca:]
Uh, that word is racist, someone ought to tell you
Like me, I belong to the ACLU

[Audra:]
Spare me
I'm a card-carrying member
Plus, I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?

[Rebecca:]
Well, I volunteered in Ghana

[Audra:]
Well, I guess that makes us equal

[Rebecca:]
Well, it's settled then

[Rebecca & Audra:]
We're both cool with black people

[Audra:]
'Cause we're liberals

[Rebecca:]
Duh, progressive as hell

[Rebecca & Audra:]
Though, of course, I support Israel

[Rebecca:]
Audra, wait we share so many traits
Should we shake hands and erase the hate?
Created by our mothers pitting
Us against each other for Accolades and grades
We were egged on like Seder plates!

[Audra:]
Nah, in summation
You left New York
For this sunburnt shtetl
Now you're like "Oh, Audra, let's settle"
You want to get salty like the Dead Sea?
Word, but call off this suit
Or you're dead, C-word