Trauma

Maybe I just feel this shit more than most
Maybe I been tryna find my way outta this hole
Haven't talked to mom, it's been a year
For all I know she could be dead
And I'd be lying if I said there ain't relief in thinking that
Love has been a delicate dance, I never learned well
Don't know how to act having money I never earned well
Feels like if I don't fuck it up then the world will
Did all that I set out to do, why do I hurt still?

It seems the further I get the more I close
Walls off to anybody who wants to know me
Outside of this persona grata I try to show
I could post a reel but it's probably the furthest from real, yo
It isn't all about the numbers and the glitz
And we always say what life ain't but don't know what it is
I don't know what I'm chasing or trying to prove
Put another bandage on a bullet hole to fix the wound
Just consumed with these thoughts, tryna fight 'em off
I quit the drugs but the biggest addiction's that inner dialogue
The vulnerability the path to real connection
But I'm stressed and I don't wanna open up to anybody
Especially those I have to trust, I been burnt already once twice
Fuck it a hundred but always thought that was a normal life
Because it's normal right? For you to grow up thinking
You're the only one you can depend on
After all these nights alone, police on the phone
Either brother's suicide attempts or your mom's overdose
Four dads came and went, either disappeared
Or died from the bottle they were sinking in
Even then you still justify it like it's okay
Being ignored and when you do well you feel ashamed
'Cause they got real problems, how the fuck do you complain?
Now if someone says you're important you just pull away

I know that trauma isn't always always how the big things affected
It's silent little cuts in the soul that get neglected
Piled up and collected while you didn't pay attention
And expect it to be dealt with but instead they just became
The foundation that you built on, the blueprint is still wrong
Like why the fuck I act this way, I didn't realize
I'm like a walking pattern I'll never solve
Wrecking ball destroying anybody who gets involved
It doesn't always show in obvious ways
Hides underneath the surface slowly causing a change
And it's hard to see the way it influenced your shape
When it's not the brush or the canvas or the colors, it's the way you paint
Always thought I was a hopeless case
But it's the programming I was programmed with to keep me safe
But safety doesn't always leave room to grow
When you only feel safe in this world alone
That's abandonment and I still can't admit
The shit that happened as a kid might've played the biggest hand in this
How I carved pride outta the fact
I had to do this on my own but it's the only way I can
It's the only way I'm comfortable, I dress it up and market it
The more I represent it the more these people applauding it
The more I get applauded the more I get that conviction
But the love for what I do doesn't fix what I was missing
Just hoping that somebody would notice and they would ask
How I'm doing but they didn't so I put it in these raps
But wanted someone to listen, wanted someone to care
Didn't get it at home so I searched in a career
And my life got caught up thinking that I thought up
These thoughts that I've got but stop

It's all trauma
(It's all trauma)
It's all trauma
(It's all trauma)

It's all trauma
The things you own
Makes you, you makes them go
I don't wanna go down that road
I've been down that road before
It's all trauma
The things you own
Makes you, you makes them go
I don't wanna go down that road
It's the only road I know