Criminal

(Album: Curtain Call: The Hits - 2005)

A lot of people ask me stupid fucking questions
A lot of people think that what I say on a record or what I talk about on a record, that I actually do in real life or that I believe in it
Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody that I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it
Well, shit, if you believe that then I'll kill you
You know why?
'Cause I'm a criminal

Criminal
You're goddamn right
I'm a criminal
Yeah, I'm a criminal

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That'll stab you in the head
Whether you're a fag or lez
Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress
Hate fags? The answer's "yes"

Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic
Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulging
That's my motherfucking balls
You'd better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum
You'll never get hold of 'em

"Hey, it's me, Versace
Whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checking the mail."
Get it? Checking the 'male'?

How many records you expecting to sell
After your second LP sends you directly to jail?
C'mon! Relax guy, I like gay men
Right, Ken? Give me an "amen". A-men!

Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus
Heal this child, help us destroy these demons
Oh, and please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital

Preacher preacher, fifth grade teacher
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither
You can't teach me a goddamn thing
'Cause I watch TV, and Comcast cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from topping these charts
And you can't stop me from dropping each March
With a brand new CD for these fucking retards
And to think, it's just little ol' me
Mr. Don't-Give-A-Fuck still won't leave

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take shit from no one

My mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes, and speed
The baby came out disfigured, ligaments indeed
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby 'cause that baby was me

I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed
But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger

I drink more liquor
To fuck you up quicker
Than you'd wanna fuck me up for saying the word
My morals went ... when the president got oral
Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk
Off of his own employee

Now don't ignore me
You won't avoid me
You can't miss me, I'm white, blonde-haired
And my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die
In plane crashes and laughs
As long as it ain't happened to him

Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined
"The Maniac's in" in place of the doctor
'Cause Dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather
So I'm taking his place

Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face
Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you Dre, you should've kept that thang put away
I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh?
I'm a criminal

Aight look (uh huh) just go up in that motherfucker
Get the motherfucking money and get the fuck up outta there
Aight
I'll be right here waiting on you
Aight
Yo Em
What?!
Don't kill nobody this time
Awwright. Goddamn, this motherfucker gets on my fucking nerves
Aha?
How you doin'?
Hi, how can I help you?
Yeah I need to make a withdrawal
Okay
Put the fucking money in the bag bitch and I won't kill you!
What? Oh my God, don't kill me
I'm not gonna kill you bitch, quit looking around
Don't kill me, I've got two kids at home don't kill me, don't kill me
I said I'm not gonna fucking kill you
Hurry the fuck up! Thank you!
Go, go, go!

Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it
And if anybody identifies the guy in it
I'll hide for five minutes

Come back, shoot the eyewitness
Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die, bitches, bastards, brats, pets
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet

If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
You motherfucking chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut

Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as
I'mma be a fucking rapist in a Jason mask

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take shit from no one

I'm a criminal
'Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird
And keep going, I don't take shit from no one