Don't Eat The Yellow Snow

(Album: You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 1 - 1988)

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe
Frost had bit the ground below
Was a hundred degrees below zero
And my momma cried
You don't really look like an Eskimo
That's right, mom!
And my momma cried again
You don't really look like an Eskimo
I know, mom, but it's a, it's a way to earn a living
And my momma cried, one more time
You don't really look like an Eskimo
Nanook, no no
Nanook, no no
Don't be a naughty Eskimo, hey!
(Get back home with yo' mama
That's right, answered the llama)
Save your money, don't go to the show

Well I turned around an' I said, Ho ho
Well I turned around an' I said one more time, Ho ho
Well I turned around an' I said (just for Vinnie), Ho ho
An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow

Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow
Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow

Well right about that time, people
A fur trapper
Who was strictly from commercial
(Strictly Commershil)
Had the unmedicated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo
(Peek-a-boo)
And he started in to whipping on my fav'rite baby seal
With a lead-filled snow shoe...
[?]

With a lead
(Lead)
Filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Peek-a-boo)

With a lead
(Lead)
Filled
(Lead-filled)
With a lead-filled snow shoe
(Snow Shoe)
He said Peak-a-boo
(Butzis too)
(Peek-a-boo)

He went right up side the head of my favorite baby seal
Hit him on the nose, that's right
Hit him on the fin, yes
He went WHAP!
An' that got me just about as evil
As an Eskimo boy can be

So I bent down 'n I reached down 'n I scooped down
An' I gathered up a generous mitten full of the deadly
(Yellow Snow)
The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go
(Over by Butzis' room)
An' then I proceeded to rub it all into his beady little eyes
With a vigorous circular motion
Hitherto unknown to the citizens of Canarsie
But destined to take the place of The Mud Shark
In your mythology
The vigorous Circular Motion
Here it goes, rub it!
(Hey!)
(Hey!)
(Hey!)

All right, now this is the really exciting part of the show. This is the part I always like the best, because this is where I get to find out what you guys are made of. And you gals, too. This is the part where we have, we are purported to have, audience participation. Now, I know it's a matinee, and y'know, you're probably in a hurry to go get something to eat, but I figure that this little audience participation that we're gonna do right now is so totally stupid that it's, well just think of it as an aperitivo, y'know what I mean? So, okay, everybody, stand up. Stand up now. All right, that's very good. Okay, a lot of you people are still sitting down, no, don't walk forward, just stand up. Stand where you are. Okay, is everybody standing up? Well, most of you are standing up. Okay, the ones who aren't standing up, hey, eat chain. Enforced recreation, live on stage in London. Now, we're gonna do away with the fur trapper now, the guy's been hitting my baby seal quite a bit, baby seal doesn't look too good. Bleeding from the mouth and rectum, looks terminal. So what we're gonna do, is we're altogether gonna jump up and down this son of a bitch, now watch me. I'll do the stupid thing first, and then you shy people follow. Ready? Here we go.

Hi, are you okay?

Fine

I know...

I love you

Relative of Joey Psychotic

Hello, how ya doin'?

Can I come up 'n recite a poem?

No, but I'll tell you what, you can stay there and recite a poem. Here, what's your name? I'll hold it, it's okay, it might break.

Angus O'Riley O'Patrick McGinty

Don't hold it

Joey Narcotic

Angus O'Riley O'Patrick McGinty

Wanna recite your, uh, poem now?

Yeah...

Burnt wind
Heart stinks
Charred man
Burns
Squirm screeing

Is there more?

Pain!

(Yes!)

Very essential. And now... thank you! All right, now, as if, as if that weren't enough, watch this. I'm going to do something completely stupid and then after I demonstrate the stupidity of it all you're gonna do the same thing and that will sort of bind us together in some sort of cosmic, hands across the water, kind of symbolic, kind of... just forget it. Okay? Here we go, watch this...

It's Jumbo

It's Jumbo, that's right

Jumbo, come back!

Now, you pounce
And you pounce again
Jump up 'n down on the chest of a...
Great Googly-Moogly

You're gonna do it too, now. Hey, wasn't that really stupid?

Sure that isn't 'bounce'?

Okay, tonight, though, we're, we're adding a new dimension to this. When we get to the fast part, when you jump up and down on the chest of a, we're gonna vamp for an extra coupla bars, now this is very important, bring the band on down behind me, boys, so they can understand this, when the band plays very quietly after we jump up and down on the chest of a, everybody's gonna recite a poem! What do you say? Okay? And I'm gonna be listening. No mistakes. Ready? Now, everybody jumps.

Now you pounce
You pounce again
You jump up 'n down on the chest of a, and recite a poem...

Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I like the poem better than the jumping. More poetry, please!

Rotten gulls beating
With large rubber sails!
Who cares?
Now it is light!

Alone in the hissing laboratory of his wishes, Mr. Pugh minces among bad vats and jeroboams, spinneys of murdering herbs, and prepares to compound for Mrs. Pugh a venomous porridge hitherto unknown to toxicologists which will scald and viper through her till her ears fall off like figs, her toes grow big and black as balloons, and steam comes screaming out of her navel.

(Cakes! Cakes! Cakes!)

Now, listen. The f Sit down. The fur trapper was pretty fucked up. He had just been stomped upon and recited to by the entire contents of this audience. And you know what that can do to a guy who's wearing a, a parka. So he gets up...

And looks around
And looks around
And looks around again
And then he says...
(And you can sing along if you know the words)

I can't see
(No no no no no... Yeah!)
I can't see
(No no no no no)
I can't see
(No no no no no)
I can't see
(No no no no no)

He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my right eye
He took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my other eye
An' the huskie wee-wee, I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me
An', Great Googly-Moogly, I can't see
Temporarily
(This is really stupid, isn't it?)

Well, it was at that time that the fur trapper
Remembered the ancient Eskimo legend
Wherein it is written
On whatever it is that they write it on up there
That if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
As a result of
Enforced Recreation Live Onstage In London
The only way that you can get it fixed up
Is to go trudging across the tundra
Mile after mile
Trudging across the tundra
Right down to the parish of Saint Alfonzo
(What, another poem?)

I want a garden
I want a garden where the flowers have no flowers
I want a garden where the trees have no leaves
I want a garden where the tree weeds don't even grow
I want a garden
I want my garden
I want a garden where there are no colors
I want to water that garden
I'll garden that with my tears
Whilst that garden
Busted trees
Busted leaves
Water me with my own

Sounds like a bunch of cakes for me

Oh, you want kindergarten

Hah-hah...

Denny strikes!

Not bad, not bad. What's, what's the title of that?

"Broadmoor."

"Broadmoor"! All right. Warren, do you know one called "LeFrak City"? Where's, where's Butzis?

Probably somewhere bending over

Where is he? Are you... Send Malkin up here... Uh...

He's probably getting a hand job

Yeah, I know, that's just what I was thinking! Ha ha... He's in the lobby getting a blow job. All right, sorry, maybe next show, we'll find him. One of these days we'll get him up here. Now, some of you people are probably not very religious, and one could hardly blame you. However, those of you who are religious, and who have been paying money into the church for years and years and are still waiting to get your money's worth, here's a little bit of information for ya (I don't know what you're gonna do with this information, but...), Saint Alfonzo is, and probably will continue to be, for the duration of this show, the patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction. Do you know what Portuguese extraction is? Very good. Anyway, in order that you may reach a higher level of conciousness, which is obviously the aim of our show, Ed Mann, who has been working on this little lick all afternoon, Ed, who only, he's, he's not sick, he only has bad mental health, Ed is going to play The Big Alfonzo Motif, let's hear it for him!

That's right, here we are!

At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
(Oh, cakes!)
As she abused a sausage pattie
And said why don't you treat me mean?
(Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!)
(Pittie! Pattie! Pootie! Bootie-pootie!)
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene

Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo

Father Vivian O'Blivion
Resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter
For the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary
(He forgot to watch the clock)
'Cause the night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked (he stroked it)
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked (he stroked it)
The night before
Behind the door
A leprechaun had stroked his
Sma-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ahhh (stroked his smock)
Set him off in such a frenzy
He sang Lock Around The Crock
An' he topped it off with a...
An' he topped it off with a...
An' he topped it off with a...
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
Woo woo woo
As he stumbled on his cock
(Cakes! Cakes! Cakes! Cakes!)
He was delighted as it stiffened
And ripped right through his sock
Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
(Proud of me
Proud of me)
He shouted down the block

Dominus Vo-bisque 'em
Et come spear a tu-tu, oh!
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes
Just for Saintly Alfonzo

They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite
They're so light 'n fluffy-white
We'll raise a fortune by tonite

They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town
They're so light 'n fluffy-brown
They're the finest in the town

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo, yeah!

Good morning, your Highness
Ooo-ooo-ooo
I brought you your snow shoes
Ooo-ooo-ooo

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-nanook
Na-na-na-na-na-nanook-oh
Nanook
Rubs it
Saint
Al
Al
Fo-fo-fo
Fo-fo-fo-fo-fo-fonzo

Saint Alfonzo really loves it when he rubs it for him
I have seen him rubbing it
I have seen him rubbing it
I have, I have a-seen him stroke his weenie
(It was teenie)
Rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
Nanook's rubbing it, 'n Alfie's loving it
Saint Alfonzo, can you hear us praying to you?
Can you fix my Chevy?
Boy, you're really heavy
Here's the church and here's the steeple
Open up and see the people
Some are kneeling, some are standing
All the money they are handing
To some asshole with a basket
Where it goes we dare not ask it
Nanook rubs it, Alfie loves it
This here basket, really shoves it
Here's your quarter, here's your dollar
Let's play ring around the collar
Hup! Hey, get it now!
(Hey, get it now!
He took all
Your little gifts)

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Friend!

Denny, Ikey, Tommy, Eddie, Petey, Vinnie, Artie, Sophia Warren on guitar, I forgot your name on poetry but thanks for reciting it anyway. Thanks for coming to the show, hope you enjoyed it, and, good night!