The Great Debate

(album: Dark Matter - 2017)

[Mediator:]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to this great arena! Durham, North Carolina, the heart of the Research Triangle! We've come to this particular place tonight, 'cause we gotta look at things from every angle. We need some answers to some complicated questions if we're going to get it right.

To that end, we have here gathered some of the most expensive scientists in the world—eminent scientists, that is. We got biologists, biometricians, got a quantum mechanic and astrophysicians. Got a cosmologist and a cosmetician, got an astronaut, we got Astro Boy! We got he-doctors, she-doctors, knee doctors, tree doctors! We a got a lumberjack and a life coach!

On the other side, we have the true believers. We got the Baptists, the Methodists, Presbyterians. The Episcopalians are here, pass the hat! We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators, the Big Boss Line from Madison Town! The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy, give 'em room, get out of the way! We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta. Have them all arranged.

Scientists, are you ready? First question: dark matter. Oh, dark matter. Give me someone knows something about space.

[The Scientists send a representative.]

Nice space music, Georgie. All right, what is it? Where is it? Can we get some? Stand up, sir, would you? You are standing, forgive me. Dark matter, go ahead.

[Georgie:]
Dark matter is out in space.
It's seventy-five percent of everything...

[Mediator:]
Just a moment, sir. Do yourself a favor, use our music. People like it, and your music's making people sick! All right. It's a free country, go ahead. Dark matter, what is it?

[Georgie:]
We don't know what it is, but we think it's everywhere.

[Mediator:]
I'd like to take a look at it. Can we get some down here?

[Georgie:]
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Of course not!

[Mediator:]
Let me get this straight: you don't know what it is, you don't know where it is, and we can't get any? Put that to the one side. Let's put the Lord, faith, eternity and whatever on the other side! Show of hands?

[True Believers:]
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time!
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time!

[Mediator:]
All right, one-nothing! Next one's gonna be a hard one. It's about the theory of evolution, and it's about animals, also. So, give me someone knows something about evolution, and animals. Who you got?

[Both sides send a representative.]

[True Believer:]
Wow, you're a beautiful woman, aren't you? Doesn't matter, of course, but if this science thing doesn't work out for you— oh, don't boo me, don't boo me! I'm just kidding you, you know that. Here's my question: explain me the giraffe. Go ahead.

[Scientist:]
Elaborate?

[True Believer:]
With pleasure, miss. The giraffe, to survive, must eat leaves high up on the Yabba Yabba tree. That's true, isn't it?

[Scientist:]
Of course it is. Everyone knows that!

[True Believer:]
But Mr. Darwin's giraffe, the halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck, could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba. Therefore, he could not have survived. It's only common sense. Unfortunately for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn't have any common sense! Evolution is a theory, and we have just now, tonight, disproved it. Show of hands?

[True Believers:]
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time!
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I'll take Jesus every time!

[Applause from the gathered crowd.]

[Mediator:]
All right, two-nothing! Next question: global warming. Is it, and if so, so what— One of the true believers seeks to be recognized. Hand him a mic, Charles. Thank you.

[The True Believer taps the microphone.]

[True Believer:]
Sir, do you know what you are? You're an idiot. You're a strawman, a fabrication! You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr. Newman, self-described atheist and communist, creates characters, like you, as objects of ridicule! He doesn't believe anything he has you say, nor does he want us to believe anything you say. Makes it easy for him to knock you down, hence, a strawman. I, myself, believe in Jesus. I believe in evolution, also. I believe in global warming, and in life everlasting. No one can knock me down.

[Mediator:]
Oh, we can knock you down, Mister! We can knock your communist friend down, too! Communist... You call me an idiot! We've been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years! Like this: page 35, Georgie! Mrs. Dorothy, page 35...

[All:]
I know someone is watching me
Everywhere I go
Someone sees everything I see
Knows everything I know
When I'm in trouble, don't have a friend
There's still somebody on whom I can depend
Someone who'll be there 'till the very end
Someone is watching me!

Someone is watching me!
Someone is watching me!
For so long, I was too blind to see
Someone is watching
Someone is watching
Someone is watching me!

[Mediator:]
Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen. Fifteen, maybe twenty-five minutes, depending on how the merchandise is moving. We'll be right back!

[Applause.]