At Night All My Doubts Gather, And I'm Just Left Feeling Empty

(album: Where Is Your God Now? - 2018)

My doubts gather, watch the moonlight fade, as I find myself, yet again, in this dark place of mine; surrounded by this emptiness in the night time. Y'all won't ever see tears fall from my eyes, I'd rather convey all these thoughts, that's why I write. I'm constantly fighting myself and I know it's bad for my health to keep all this negative emotion bottled inside, but fuck it, 'cause I know even if I told someone, the pain wouldn't subside. So many times, I just want to quit and push all this shit to the side, but, see, they idolize me, and miraculously I'm saving lives and I'm iconic. Ironic, I'm always thinking 'bout taking mine, but I'm holding up, so don't worry. Though, some will still call me a weakling. I wish the grim reaper would just hurry, honestly speaking, see. I'm cold as fuck from all the broken trust; relationships; friends I considered real but never was, and the pain is deep. It's like I got several cuts in my heart that I still ain't recovered from, but I'm too much of a bitch to pick up a gun and be done with this shit. And I hate how people use depression as a crutch or leverage to come up like mental illness is a fucking joke, and I hope they all choke on their own blood. See, I've had this shit for years, don't remember when it started and I wouldn't say it's a blessing but I've learned some lessons through these hardships. But, sometimes, I just feel like an empty vessel left to be disregarded and my very presence is a target. It's like I can't go a day without being mentioned by other artists and I try not to let it get to me, but it hurts when a person you see as family turns on you and becomes a fucking enemy; that's why I wish I could bury my heart so I wouldn't have to feel anything, anymore. I just wanna stay in my room and lock my fucking door, turn all the lights off, and write my family a note, saying "I'm sorry, I couldn't go on 'cause I was struggling with myself and I finally lost the war and my doubts won." See, we live in a false world with false hope. I fall slow down this tall slope. I'm lost, cold, dark holds me, I'm bounded. Won't cry tears, no light here, just nightmares, surrounded by all the lies I hear. Escape here; I doubt it, I doubt it