Erik The Awful

(album: He Thinks He's Ray Stevens - 1984)

Way back in history along the Nordic coast
that was the sound all the people feared the most
It would echo thru the night up and down the foggy fj-ord
It was Erik and the bloodthirsty Horde!

Erik the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Erik the Awful, the Ruthless and Courageous
Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces
You can run, but you cannot hide!

YES! And as the oars of the sleek, fierce Viking ship cut thru the water like
knives thru the fog-shrouded Nordic sea, transporting the wild, marauding
band of Viking heathens stealthily towards their unsuspecting, slumbering
victims, there he stood, on the foredeck, Erik the Awful, the wildest,
bloodthirstiest Viking of them all!

(his Momma named him Erik 'cause she couldn't spell AHHGGGRRRFFFFLLLLQQHH!)

He had a hairy head, a hairy face, hairy chest, hairy legs, hairy boots and a
hairy hat, shaped like a big bullet with horns coming out the sides.....and
once he started after ya he'd NEVER stop!
He'd turn to his oarsmen in his 37 oared fj-ord and he'd say:
"MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!" which was Viking for:

"YA-HOO!!!!!, RAVAGE, PILLAGE, PLUNDER,
MAIM AND PUT BIG HICKEYS ON ALL THEM FAIR DAMSELS!"

And it was Erik the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Erik the Awful, mercy sakes! and goodness gracious!
His appetite for slaughter was simply voracious
You gotta sleep with your sneakers by your side!

YES! And when the villagers heard that awful battle-cry:

YA-HOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's the one! They would run for their lives, fleeing over hills and
thru valleys to the river, whereupon they would walk mid-stream for 37 and 1/2
miles, climbing out on the low-lying branch, shinnying down a young sapling
onto rocky ground and leaping from stone to stone until they arrived one week
later at a secret cave 97 miles away, and as they sat down for the first time
to catch their breath, outside they heard:

"YA-HOOOO!!!! MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!"

Yes, it was Erik the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Erik the Awful, turned up in the darndest places
Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces
You can run, but you cannot hide!

OH! And this time they cut south to Paris, bought tickets on the Orient
Express to Istanbul, hired a U-Haul to the Coast, jumped a Greek freighter
across the Mediterranian Sea to MON-golia, hooked up with a camel caravan into
the heart of the Gobi Desert, and as they paused at an oasis, to lift one
handful of cool water to their parched lips, over their shoulder they heard:

"YA-HOOOO!!!! MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!"

They fled to Calcutta!
YA-HOOOOOOOO!

They fled to the Himalayas!
YA-HOOOOOOOO!

Tokyo!
YA-HOOOOOOOO!

Toronto!
YA-HOOOOOOOO!

Toledo and Heyhailea, Georgia...
YA-HOOOOOOOO!

But it was no use! They finally succumbed to a savage plundering and
pillaging followed by a big hickey party on the outskirts of what is now
Washington, DC, where the decendants of Erik can still be found today,
working as Special Agents for the IRS!

Erik later amassed a small fortune posing for Molly Hatchet album covers,
and did stuntwork for Arnold Schwartzenegger in Conan the Barbarian! He also
won an Academy Award for his dual role as a train wreck and his tender
portrayal of King Kong's daddy! Oh, you might remember the end of that one:
there wasn't a dry eye in the house when he married the Empire State Building.
And who could forget the evening he ate the entire Kingdom of the East?
With no sugar?

Erik the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Erik the Awful, the Hungry and Voracious
Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces
You can run but you cannot hide!

YA-HOOOOOOOOOOO!