I Won't Be Home For Christmas

(album: Ray Stevens Christmas: Through A Different Window - 1997)

Well it's hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit
'Cause every time that I get near it
I envision the invasion that's on the way

Yeah, same thing happens every year
My kinfolks come from far and near
To terrorize my home on Christmas day

And, you know, it wouldn't be so bad
If all that came was Mom and Dad
But no, the whole fam damnily's got to show

Uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins
Nieces, nephews, by the dozens
Don't these folks have anywhere else to go?

A-and what a bunch of ne'er-do-wells
They've all got some sad tale to tell
So saying no is something I just can't do

And there's the extra shopping for gifts to give 'em
And the only thing that they bring with 'em
Is the latest virulent strain of Asian flu

So I won't be home for Christmas
Don't count on staying with me
No I won't be home for Christmas
I'm not telling anybody where I'm gonna be
You'll have to trash your own house
Eat your own food
Go out and buy your own Christmas tree
'Cause I won't be home for Christmas
So don't count on staying with me

Now there's fourteen kids from seven marriages
Skateboards, bottles and baby carriages
And I'm just talking about my sister Rose
Last night her husband du jour messed with the lights
The fuse box blew in the middle of the night
The heat went off and all the plumbing froze

Yeah, and my brother Paul he's the worst of all
He's six feet wide and five feet tall
One foot taller, friends, and he'd be round!
He'd clean a turkey in just four bites
My wife cooks three every Christmas Eve night
We try to eat one while he's wolfing the other two down

Last year I didn't sleep a minute
Every bed I had had three people in it
And they all stayed right on through New Year's Eve

Aw, it was one exhausting situation
I only get two weeks' vacation
So I just took January off as medical leave

And I won't be home for Christmas
Don't count on staying with me
No I won't be home for Christmas
Don't think about asking me where I'm gonna be
Go on and trash your own house
Eat your own food
Go out and buy your own Christmas tree
'Cause I won't be home for Christmas
So don't count on visiting me
I said don't count on bothering me
No don't count on staying with me

I don't want no Christmas presents
I don't want a Christmas card
I don't even want a phone call!