Jerry Swinger Stickup (Skit)

(album: Malpractice - 2001)

[Jerry:]
Welcome back to the Jerry Swinger Show. Today's show talks about women who feels neglected in relationships. Now today we have on our show Mercedes and we also have her boyfriend of 7 years, uhmm Ray-Ray?? Ro-Ro??

[Ray-Ray:]
Nah, it's Ray-Ray motherfucker!

[Jerry:]
Now that's what I've said. Now Mercedes why do you feel neglected by Leroy?

[Ray-Ray:]
Ray-Ray MOTHERFUCKER!

[Mercedes:]
It's Ray-Ray. And I'm tired of Ray-Ray's bullshit. I'm tired of... Listen Jerry listen, I won't be asking for much. This fat motherfucker every now and then to fucking wash my feet and maybe take the wax out of my ears.

[Jerry:]
Well you should've married a Q-Tip!

[Crowd chants 'Jerry' multiple times]

[Ray-Ray:]
Ayo, hold up, hold up, hold up ya'll! Let me say something hold up. Maybe I will wash her feet sometimes if she was the real woman.

[Jerry:]
How real do you have to be to get your feet washed?

[Ray-Ray:]
Shit, I'm realer than that bitch

[Jerry:]
Calm down, calm down. I'm just kidding. Uhhm well Ray-Ray I believe that Mercedes brought you all the way down here to tell you something. Now Mercedes what is it that you have to tell Ray-Ray?

[Mercedes:]
Well Jerry, I feel since Ray-Ray has been neglecting me. I feel that I had to get out and get another man.

[Crowd 'oohs']

[Jerry:]
Another man. Well, would you all like to see, what's his name?

[Mercedes:]
Stewart

[Jerry:]
Stewart. Would you all like to see Stewart? Let's bring out Stewart. Welcome, Stewart to the show. OK, OK, OK. Now, Stewart, you in love with Mercedes. What's going on with that? Let us know, talk to us.

[Stewart:]
Yes, I am in love with her. Uh, and I feel that Ray-Ray mistreats her and I'm the better man, Jerry, I am, I love her.

[Ray-Ray:]
Hold up, hold up, hold up Jerry. This motherfucker works with me.

[Crowd oohs & yells in shock]

[Jerry:]
Looks like someone's been doing a little bit of overtime

[Crowd chants 'Jerry' multiple times]

[Ray-Ray:]
Hold up, hold up, hold up. Now, Jerry, I been taking your shit all show: them smart-ass marks, and that shit. From the audience, and then... [Someone in the crowd yells "Get 'im, Jerry!]

[Mercedes:]
Ray-Ray!

[Ray-Ray:]
Shut up bitch. Don't you say nothing, I had enough of your shit. Cause, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your stinking ass. Now, I think is about time that I let you...

[Mercedes:]
Ray-Ray!

[Ray-Ray:]
You bitch, and the audience know something. This, is a motherfucking stick-up!
[Crowd gasps in panic]

[Crowd now chants 'Steve, Steve']

[Ray-Ray:]
Steve, Steve, Steve. Sit your ass down, cause you'll be the first mother fucker that I shoot. Alright, everybody listen up. I want your wallets, I want your chains, I want your rings, I want your earrings, I want your toe rings, I want your nose...BITCH, I ain't gonna tell you again, sit your ass down! Now, where was I? I want your credit cards, I want your gas cards, I want your supermarket cards, I want your easy pass, I want your refreshments, I want your Kit-Kats, I want your search, whatever you got in your bag, and, uh, Jerry, get your ass over here and give me my final thought

[Jerry:]
I think you had the final thought in your hand

[Ray-Ray:]
Now, you see, that's the sarcastic shit that I'm talking about
[Ray-Ray holds the trigger & everyone screams & yells]