Jesus Was An Atheist

(album: The Snake King - 2018)

Jesus was an Atheist
He was a friend of mine
We hooked up in temple
Back in Roman Palestine
We became friends
It was the best of both worlds
I was good at stealing silver
He was good at bullying girls

He said they're going to kill me
When we go out smoking
I thought he meant the cigarettes
But Jesus wasn't joking

Mary was a pragmatist
And virgin rolled in one
One day she said to Joseph
"Joe, I think the time has come
Your boy needs to get a job
Try the laundromat"
Joseph said, "he ain't my boy
I think we settled that"
Mary said something about
Semantics with a smile
Joe said, "I'm going drinking
I'll be back in a little while"

I heard somebody say
Jesus was a Capricorn
Jesus told me once
On the day he was born
A giant super nova exploded in the sky
He said he didn't know
What it was supposed to signify
I lost touch with him
And he lost touch with me
The next thing I remember
He was big in Galilee

We were walking in the desert
Trading big hits from a bong
They said it was 40 days
It didn't seem that long
I was trying to talk him out
Of such a pointless sacrifice
He said it was the only way
He got to paradise
I said, "You might be high"
He said I was mistaken
But watching him die
Was truly heartbreaking

Jesus descended
I guess you'd call it that
I'm down here, baby
What the hell you looking at?
I sometimes wonder if we'd stay friends
How am I to change the way
This party ends?
I know you all believe
That Jesus was divine
Jesus was an atheist
He was a friend of mine