The Real Party Song

(album: Shut Up! And Listen - 2015)

This is gonna be the greatest night.
Inviting all our friends and we're doing it right.
We'll host the best parties, it will be so cool.
Wanna party with us? You better follow the rules.

R-r-real party y'all.

When you plan a party man, you gotta be smart.
Duct tape your fridge and hide the fragiles at the start.
Take a look so your Facebook invite is on the point.
'Cause you don't want douchey dudes all rude in the joint.
Slip off your shoes when you slide in the door
'Cause we don't want dog poo all over the floor.
And you better bring your own beer,
'Cause we're not freaking rich!
Just look at our chair.
It's made of Popsicle sticks.

This is gonna be the greatest night.
We replaced all the booze with Diet Sprite.
Make sure all the dudes are peeing sitting down.
No need for pee stains all over the grou-ound.

That's a real party.
R-r-real party y'all.
That's a-that's a real party.
Real party.

Now the party's popping, gotta get more strict.
What the hell did we say dude?
No dicks!
Beer pong is for flipping fools; that ball is freaking dirty.
You'll die from meningitis way before you're even thirty.
Who's that creeper creeping in the corner with Fido?
Get away from Fido
You freaking albino.
Only use one square of TP,
'Cause we ain't made of cash.
Just look at our stripper.
She's got a flat ass.

This is-this is gonna be the greatest night.
No spills on the rug, everybody's polite.
Kicking everyone out of our house by 10:00.
If this party goes well, we might do it aga-ain.

That's a real party.
R-r-real party y'all.
That's a-that's a real party.
Real party y'all.

People still partying? Man, it's 10:13.
Get the fuck out my house if you know what I mean.
Stop banging on my bed.
And don't jack my socks.
Gotta rise at five
Serve fries at Jack in the Box.
Who got the pesto on my remote control?
My rage meter's rising and about to reach full.
And who the fuck threw this garbage in the recycling bin?
I'm gonna kill you motherfuckers if you do it again.
Parties aren't a place to drink booze and get laid,
If at the end we gotta clean up and be maids.
Parties aren't the place for taking selfies.
That's dumb.
If you wanted that, you should've thrown your own one.
Parties aren't the place where we spend a lot of money.
Can't afford a doctor
And my stools are hecka bloody!
Wha?

This totally was the greatest night.
I-i-in by 10:30 and turned out the lights.
Called the cops on our party.
Beat the women and men.
Can't wait to have another bomb-ass party aga-ain.

That's a real party.
Real party y'all.
That's a-that's a real party.
Real party y'all.