Me

(album: Calamity - 2020)

On one hand I see something I've been taught I need
But I've learned that the wolf that lives is the one I feed
I have everything I've ever wanted
But once I have it I wish I wasn't chained to it
So my first reaction is to set it on fire
Have I been confused is there like a balance in my perspective
Can I even move forward without feeling so left out
I never thought I'd be the one to do this
Is there a way to hold the keys but not have to drive
Or not hurt so much and still choose to be alive
'Cause I wanted to be the villain
But now that I'm here I just want to feel anything
I've learned that everyone makes mistakes
And now I want to make something else

It wasn't until it felt like I'd fallen on the floor
Or I realized someone could only love me with true unconditional love
No framework, no preconceived mold, no hidden motive
'Cause I'm hard to love and I bring my own fall
But searching for that love is like trying to hold running water
It might be there at the moment but it always slips

Now that everyone's gone I've learned that I helped create that poison
When you let an audience tell you you can do no wrong
The first human reaction is to emotionally rob them
I let people who don't care about me fulfill my needs
I let a psycho form and then I push myself to let that psycho repeat
You can't change what you don't acknowledge
You can't change those you don't understand
And I can't change all that damage that I've dealt

I wanna look myself in the eyes
Strip away the layer of music and try and say
I don't care about the bullshit
I just want to share something new, finish each chapter
Even if I don't stick the landing, I'm not afraid of failure
I'm not afraid of you
And I can tell you that I'm amazing
But I'd rather just tell you the truth
My old habits die hard
They fester and thrive on my insides
And the roller coaster I've built has become quite the ride
What was supposed to be contentment has changed with the passage of time
Because even when I write some words about how I need to be less selfish
This is still all about me