Otis/Carl

(album: Schmaltz - 2018)

I'm supposed to be stoic
As I wipe the tears off of my face
Watch the ships off the coast of Mexico
Block it out as they roll away
I still see you smiling
Even as I'm selfish as I've ever been
See you sitting in your chair
I see you singing happy birthday

I got the call in June
But couldn't bring myself to see you
Or even get you on the phone
I wanted you to remember me in perfection
But really I'm, I'm just a fucking coward
I couldn't stand to see you die
And I was dealing with my own shit
If I'm being honest, mom said you'd understand
But I don't blame you if you didn't

And I'm on the docks again
Looking out at that awful ocean
Watching the tide take you away
I know you ain't resting your bones
I know you ain't made it back home
At least the loneliness gave you a break

We never held a funeral
'Cause of the consequence they bring
Letting go is never easy
Even when you're empty and even when you're alone
I hope they played you Otis Redding
I hope you heard me hum along
As those arms of yours went down into the dark

And I'm on the docks again
Looking out at that awful ocean
Watching the tide take you away
I know you ain't resting your bones
I know you ain't made it back home
At least the loneliness gave you a break

And my phone rang a year later
With your smile haunting me
And I finally broke at a rental home
In Joshua Tree
And I tell myself it gets better
But it never gets any easier when your voice
It ain't on the other side

I hope they played you Otis Redding
I hope you remembered I named my guitar
After your favorite singer of your favorite song
And I break down every time I see
That old Spanish nylon that you bought
It never comes off the shelf anymore

I'm on the docks again
Looking out at that awful ocean
Watching the tide take you away
I know you ain't resting your bones
I know you ain't made it back home
At least the loneliness
At least the loneliness gave you a break