Theoretical Dick Jokes / Statistics

(album: Words Words Words - 2010)

I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers I find statistics so...enlightening. You know, thought-provoking even. So I've gathered some here and these are all 100% true. When you leave this theatre and into the world you can check them and they will come back because they are true. So, I don't want to blow your mind or anything but maybe you'll hear one of these and go, "Whoa, I never thought of that!", you know? So, these are my statistics.

Approximately 33.33% of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes.

One in every four kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. has an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut the fuck up and take her husband's last name.

Here's a fun one. One of every fourty-four U.S. presidents can dunk. It's fucking Millard Filmoore, you racists.

The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes.

Can't get angry at the numbers, you know what I mean?

Here's a really interesting one. The average person has one fallopian tube.

20% of the Jackson Five...too soon...

The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.