This Grudge

(album: So Called Chaos - 2004)

Fourteen years, thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I've held this grudge
Eleven songs, four full journals
Thoughts of punishment I've expended

Not in contact, not a letter
Such communication, telepathic
You've been vilified, used as fodder
You deserve a piece of every record

But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
And who's it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?

I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house, dusty covered
Furniture, still intact
If I visit it now, do I simply re-live it?
Somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing?

I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders to rise

Here I sit much determined
Ever ill-equipped to draw this curtain
How this has entertained, validated
And has served me greatly, ever the victim

But who's done whining now?
Who's ready to put down?
This load I've carried longer
Than I had cared to remember

I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

I wanna be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us