The Ballad Of Smokin' Joe Rudeboy

(album: Big Dumb Idiot - 2022)

Let me tell you a little story
About a man a long time ago
He was the quickest draw in the wild west
By the name of Smoking Joe

It's Smokin Joe
Hit the floor

But he didn't own no six gun
Lemme tell you what he'd do
When the varmint rode in to town
He'd shoot 'em down with a big fat fuck you

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

Lemme make sure I heard you right
$7.50 for a large soy cappuccino
Lemme get my wallet
Fuck you!

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

Lemme make sure I heard you right
Even though I'm not with Amazon
You're calling me to tell me that
My profile has been hacked?
Fuck you!

And so Joe held the law
In the town in which he lived
Yeah only stupid motherfuckers
Would talk shit around Rudeboy
With his whiplash wrist
(Gon' get it now)

Leroy "2 Gun" Jenkins thought
That he could surely win
But before Leroy could blink
He was told to sit and spin
(Why don't you take it for a ride now)

The Mongoose Mountain Gang
Played dirty with a 20 man crew
But tales are told that Joe grew
18 arms that day as a gift from Vishnu

And as he rose in fame
Every quickdraw outlaw came
To the man they heard
Who's fists would burn
When he flipped the bird

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

Lemme make sure I heard you right
You wanna refund the money
That I spent in your shop
With a store credit?
Fuck you!

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

Lemme make sure I heard you right
Everybody brought a platter
To my fancy birthday dinner
But you brought soda water?
Fuck you!

He got that name because
His finger burns hot like the sun
And leaves you smoking when he's done

It's just as well that Joe is fast as hell
Cause in every duel he won
I'm not sure Joe knew
That they had a literal gun

I know that they're packing heat
And I know that they know
That I'm the man to beat
But when I step onto the street
With a jingle in my feet
They know that I know that
They know that they can fuck themselves

Some say many years ago
Before Joseph Rudeboy was Smoking Joe
He had a wife, her name was Bo
Bo was with child in a happy home

But into town an outlaw came
Who wore a velvet cloak like a bloodstain
Now Bo didn't like Joe using no gun
So Bo told Joe to fucking run

"You gotta bring back help"
Run fast Joe fast Joe
"Lemme stay and fight"
But Bo said "No guns, you've got to go!"

Joseph Rudeboy was too slow
For a child that he'd never know

Joseph Rudeboy you're too slow
Burning inside Joseph died
But from the ash the man who rose was

Smokin Joe
Rudeboy

He's a human Phoenix
Yes that's the word
I heard he was born in a fire
And rides a pair of flaming birds

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

I've heard he's never shot no-one
But he's still locked up half of the wild west
Looking for a velvet wearing son of a gun

One day an outlaw came to town
"Come out here Smoking Joe
You're just as well already dead"
He wore a velvet cloak but Joe saw red

And on the street
The fateful pair did meet
All the townsfolk came to watch
When they knew Joe was gonna
Tell someone to

Their eyes were locked
What seemed like three eternities
To Joe the velvet man seemed different
From how he remembered him to be
But it was all the same
To Smoking Joe who'd been through hell
He'd dreamt every night the last 18 years
Of telling this guy to fuck himself

But when Joe went to ball his hand
Into a flaming fist
The outlaw shot him first with a
Middle finger that looked just like his

And as Joe fell
He beheld the outlaw's face
A young girl who'd seen it all
And grew up in a terrible place
Who's mother once told Joseph
To run and bring back help
A girl who thought her father
Had run out to save himself

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

Lemme make sure I heard you right
You been telling everybody
I'm a deadbeat daddy
Didn't know I tried to save ya?
(Yeah) Fuck you daughter!

Smoking Joe
Rudeboy

Lemme make sure I heard you right
Now I found my father
And I learned the truth
We can be reunited
That's right
Fuck you old man!