I'm Not Okay

(album: Tales From The Crypt - 2019)

It seems like every time I go and try and pick up the mic
I rap about the things that don't really affect me in life
Like how I'm great at articulating my bars that I write
Or how the fame will never change a single thought in my mind
I rap about how I'm better than any rapper in sight
I rap about how how I'd kill 'em on a beat if they even tried
I rap about how I'd eat 'em and then make fun of my size
I rap about all these mumbling rappers and tell them to die
Because I get so angry that they don't even think when they write
But come to think of it, when it comes to thinking, neither do I
I like to act like I'm the greatest to ever ink out a rhyme
But who am I convincin'? I like to keep my confidence high
But I lie to myself every time that I say that I'm fine
Because deep inside I'm scared to write about what's in my mind
All these sensitive topics are bottled up really tight
And I can't take a sip, cause taking a sip brings my demons to life
I'm not alright, I'm not okay
I can't rap about the things that are causing pain
It leaves a stain when I put 'em on the paper they don't ever leave my cranium
They stay inside brain and multiply into to a greater sum
It's like they stay dormant until I force them into the world
Then they become the main source of my torment
I cannot endure this
It aches to my core
And it's horseshit
'Cause all I wanna do is just ignore it
But I can't and y'all don't understand
The type of mindset that it fucking puts me in
When you ask me to rap an emotional track
I have to reach back, to a part of my brain that is black
I cannot escape it
I can barely take it
I can't face all this pain
That my heart is taking
It's aching every bar I'm saying
'Cause it's hard to make it day to day
These scars are saying

I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I don't wanna feel today
I don't wanna deal with pain
Someone take this all away
'Cause I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not alright
I'm not okay

No one even knows about this crutch that I have
That's why my discography don't have any songs that are sad
Because every time I go and try and make one
Depression awakens and takes over like a tape worm
And it eats away at my soul
So many stories that went untold
'Cause I'm not man enough to control my emotions
So I bury them all down below
I'm not alright, I'm not okay
I can't talk about the things that are causing pain
I can't talk about the time that I lost my first love and wanted to shoot myself in the motherfucking brain
I can't talk about the night that she left me I put a bag over my head to try and suffocate
But I backed out, just before I blacked out, so my mother wouldn't have to put her own son in the grave
I can't talk about the day that I lost my grandma
I prayed to God, but now I am lost
'Cause I asked him to save her but the next day
He'd take her away and now my faith is gone
I often think, is she proud of me?
She never even knew about this rap scene
She never even knew I swore
Never knew about my tour
Hell she ain't even know about half of me
I'm not alright, I'm not okay
Everybody tells me time will take away the pain
Everybody tells me life is a just a book of chapters and all I have to do is act like it never happened and turn the page
But they don't that all my pages are the same
Every one contains the same info, the same pain
The same blacked out window, the same pane
The same passed down limbo, the same shame
I'm not alright, I'm not okay
I would trade it all away to write a new page
But none are blank, they're all full
It's not cool
All telling me I'll never make it in this game of life and I'm a fool
All telling me to get up on a pedestal, put a rope around my neck tie it off, and jump until it pulls
Smothering me to death
Maybe then I'll get some rest
But until then I got some more people to impress
I gotta put the fake smile on, that fake voice
Gotta fake everything just so people pay coin
I always say that anyone who's fake that I'd punch 'em in the jaw
So I'm hitting myself cause I'm the fakest of 'em all
I don't even know how to be real
Hell I don't even know who the real me is
Maybe when I can finally be still
The fake me will cease to exist, and the real me will live

I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I don't wanna feel today
I don't wanna deal with pain
Someone take this all away
'Cause I'm not okay