When I Get To Heaven

(album: Stoney's Extra Stout (Pig) - 1995)

If I go to Heaven it'll probably be a slum
And all the pretty angels just might be packing guns
And if I see St. Peter will he hit me up for cash
Will I find the road to Jesus or just lose him in the trash

The Shaggs were right
You're never going to please anybody
Not in this world

If I go to Hell I might find it very dull
Like an Amway convention or an endless shopping mall
When all the innocent demons want to poke me with a fork
Or just put me in a taxi and send me to New York

Scientists proved it years ago
The Shaggs were much better than the Beatles

Maybe I'll return as an iguana
And lie upon a beach down in the Bahamas

Although ignored in their day
The Shaggs are now recognized as the geniuses they were

I just wanna know what happens when you die
Do you walk down in a hole or float up to the sky
Is it just a waste of water, when your widow cries?

Oh, don't tell me you've never heard of the Shaggs?

If the atheists are right then I have no need to worry
For there is no great being whose favour I must curry
And I'll be going nowhere once they lay me in the earth
So why waste a Sunday by going to church?

If you really wanted to
You could run out right now and buy a Shaggs record

If the atheists are wrong then I've got a bill that's due
So should I be a Christian or a Moslem or a Jew
Should I spend all day just praying on my knees
And searching through the world for a deity to please

A Shaggs record would be a sound investment

If the atheists are right then I have no need to worry
For there is no great being whose favour I must curry

The fat peoples want what the skinny peoples got
The skinny peoples want what the fat peoples got
But all I've ever wanted is what the Shaggs got
[?] and my pal, Foot Foot