Pimp Council

(album: Golden Grain - 2002)

[Too $hort]
All rise...order in the court
The honourable judge muthafucking Too $hort
presiding over Superior Players Court
The first case is the State vs. Fate Wilson A.K.A. Baby Flex
You being charged wit home invasion and hoe slaughter
For fucking another nigga's bitch

[Lil' Fate]
Listen close to what I say
Dog, it might hurt ya
I be cutting ya girl while you be going to work bruh
When she first called my conscience was like, "Hell naw, Fate don't"
But she said, "I'm only around the corner", and popped her lil' punt
Apartment 5-7-0-1, told her I was eating right now
Be over there when I get done
Got there, knocked on the door
She opened up the door half naked, looking exquisite
Acking mad 'cuz I ain't spoke to her since the last time a nigga hit it
She said, "Don't worry forget it since we only have 30 minutes"
'Fore her man came home for lunch
So I bust my nut and raised up wit
Five mnutes to spare, her man unaware
I saw him in traffic, beeped the horn and threw a deuce in the air
Yea I'm a playa
But I feel guilty 'bout cutting a broad
I need counseling dog, 'cuz it's guilty as charged
Simply because I felt victim to lust and
Knowing all the while it was my cousin girlfriend I had been fucking (Damn!)

[Too $hort]
The court finds you guitly as charged
Your sentence is PUI school
For pimping under the influence, nigga
Next case...
Oh we got us a repeat offender in the house
Jenny Jones A.K.A. Shanwnna
Same ol' charge...wanted in 8 states
What's yo story this time?

[Shawnna]
Oh yes yo' honor I see we talking again
I have no representation now shall we begin
I know you seen my face before but...hold on my friend
It's niggas getting away wit doing the...same shit I did
I...can't do no bid
I got a mortgage and my kids
In a forest by the bridge
And I drives a Rolls Royce in a porridge wit dem grills
So you undertand I was tryna pay me some bills
When I was flipping outta state while I was taking a chill
Shooting deem and a couple friends, spend a couple ends
Took the top off of the drop and let the bubble spin
Niggas got off in my knot and let them troubles in
So I decided to put that shit in my own hands
None of these hoes can fuck me, only God judge me
That man told me he love me and he flash money
My only crime could just be living it filthy
So let me hear it on mo' time--not guilty

[Too $hort]
Bailiff, take her into custody

[Woman screaming]
Oh, not my baby!
Hell naw!

[Too $hort]
Next case...
State vs. Velvet Jones A.K.A. Ludacris
You being charged wit impeeding how traffic
Spending too much time tryna fuck one hoe
How do you plead Mr. Jones?

[Ludacris]
Man I'm the pimp of all pimps and y'all coming up short

[Too $hort]
Calm down before I hold yo ass contempt of court

[Ludacris]
Ya honor, just be cool, let me approach that bench
And sprinkle seasoning on yo ears 'bout how I choked that beeyotch!

[Too $hort]
Well did she promise you the pussy, mayn?

[Ludacris]
She ceratinly did
I got empty McDonald's cups in my car and my crib
She owe me sumthing, bitch betta show me sumthing
Wrap her legs around my waist and start to throw me sumthing
I'm simply the meanest, you looking at the stroke of a genius
The only verdict made should be the subpoena uh this penis
No objections or appeals, let's cut us a deal
And I promise to tell the truth if my partner don't squeal
She's awfully cautious, said the jury makes her nautious
She said she said she'd suck my dick if I dropped the charges
Oh no! Time to make ya kidneys shift

[Too $hort]
But didn't you fuck her best friend?

[Ludacris]
Oh, I plead the fifth

[Too $hort talking]
Yea, that sound like some shit you'll say
Ol' pimp ass nigga
Due to lack of evidence, I'm dropping the charges
Don't let me see you in here again
Let this be a lesson learned
If you don't know you player rules
You liable to violate the game and get sent away for a long, long time
Remember...never hate on a real player
It ain't gon' get you nowhere, mayn
It's a lotta hoes out there player so...
Ain't no reason fot yuo to fuck ya best friend
Or ya cousin or ya brother's girl
Get ya own bitch, mayn, you know what I'm sayin'?
You running around here...
Violating major player rules
You 'bout to get the muthafucking book thrown at yo bitch ass
Fucking 'round in this court
You know what I'm sayin'? It's all about the money baby
It it ain't about the money...it ain't about SHIT!!
To all you niggas running 'round here...
Corny than a motherfucker
Just tryna fuck a bitch 'cuz you wanna get a nut off
Think about that money first, mayn--what is that bitch doing for you?
What are you getting outta the situation?
Tryna give a bitch sumthing
What you gon' give her sumthing for--some pussy?!
It's tricking, mayn
Don't be a BEEUTCH!
Be a real pimp, nigga
Make that hoe pay you for everythang you do
Everythang you do you gotta get money, mayn...all day, all night
I wouldn't fuck a bitch for free
Just like I wouldn't rap for free, motherfucker
Yea, you know my favorite word...BEEUTCH!!