Shady Rachel

(album: Live In London - 2019)

This is a jazz tune called shady Rachel
If you don't like jazz then now's a good time to take 5
That's one for the Brubeck fans
Yeah, a lot of people wondering how we got here tonight
Well we caught [?]
It's a great way to get from A to B flat sus
It all started when I invited Rachel round to one of my parties you know
All my friends were there, Shifty, Shifty Pete, Sneaky Steven, Regifting David
He showed up and gave me that birthday present I gave him last year
I gave you that book
You were there Jazzy Jim
I remember I turned up to his party
I remember ringing doorbell, I just did a little
A ding dong zoo-bah doo-bah doo-bah zee-bow
I don't even hear a doorbell
I improvize it, I improvize it, I'm a jazz... musician
The party was [?]
Long-winded Tim was [?] one of his meandering anecdotes
And [?] enjoying their soup
Well I mean some people were enjoying it but I have one thing
I keep mentioning this to him, he has these soup parties
And he only has one spoon, he insists everyone uses it
Why can't we just bring a spoon? He doesn't want people to get mixed up
Says no, no, use a spoon, I got a spoon
I only need one spoon, I'm a jazz man
I know, I know (I live alone)
Well okay but I was sitting right next to Coleslaw Eleanor and Herpes Herbin
It was around midnight I found my spoon was missing
I thought ah, there's only one person would take a man's only spoon
That's shady Rachel
Might have been Thieving Steven, I suspect
I went round to her place I said "Rachel, open up the door I wanna take a look in your cutlery draw"
And it was worse than I first anticipated
She had 8 spoons in that draw
That's a normal amount of spoons to have
Who the hell has 8 spoons man, what the hell she do with all those spoons?
Rachel she's got 6 kids and she lives with her mother
She needs her 8 spoons
Well I found my spoon, it has the handle, the long handle part
And the scooping part that differentiates it from afar
Okay, I'm just gonna say, we're just gonna make one more point
That's a very generic description of every spoon
Well shady Rachel kicked me out that door
Out on the street, a man without a spoon
Take it to [?] fellas
Oh, I was alone without a spoon
I just wanted some yogurt
At 3AM my phone rang
It's a jazzy phone
Are you gonna answer this phone or
What's happening?
You gonna answer this phone, I don't wanna hyperventilate here
Oh I'm sorry
I answered the phone, it was shady Rachel
She said baby I need your help "I need your help"
I said what's the problem?
She said there's some creepy dude in the tree outside my apartment
I said well what's he doing
She said he's talking on his phone
I said, baby, that's me
She said I'm calling the police!
I said, yeah you call the police baby
What you gonna tell them when they find all those stolen spoons?
Well she did call the police, and they showed up
Had a real jazzy siren
It turn out she'd called the jazz police
I was incarcerated for crimes against jazz
Locked up with various, felonious pokes
Yeah alright
Shady Rachel, if you're listening baby
I got one last thing to say to you
I want my spoon back
I gotta dig my way outta here