Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk

(album: Broadway The Hard Way - 1988)

[includes quotes from Light Cavalry Overture (von Suppe), The Battle Hymn Of The Republic (Steffe/Howe), The Twilight Zone Theme (Constant), Entry Of The Gladiators (Fucik), The Old Rugged Cross (Bennard), Dixie (Emmett), Louie Louie (Richard Berry), Rock Of Ages (Toplady/Hastings), and a fragment of One Man One Vote]

Yes, friends . . . Pass the plate around, friends . . . Join us, friends . . .

There's an ugly little weasel 'bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from crying 'n lying
'Cause her sweet little hubby's
Sucking prong part time
(In the name of The Lord)

Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you're a jerk
Would he really choose Tammy to do His Work? Unh-unh

Hallelujah!
(Yes, friends . . . )

Robertson says that he's The One
Oh he sure is, if Armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An' he's got some planned for you!
(Now, tell me that ain't true)

Give me that old time religion!

Now, what if Jimbo's slightly gay,
Will Pat let Jimbo get away?
Everything we've heard him say
Indicates that Jim must pay,
(And it just might hurt a bit) Just a bit!
But keep that money rolling in,
'Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo
Can't get enough of it (let's dance!)

Perhaps it's their idea
Of an Affirmative Action Plan
To give White Trash a 'special break';
Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their Buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(While you all smell the glove)

Henry Cisneros, ladies and gentlemen!

Jim and Pat should take a pole
(Right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too
Just like they'd love to do to you

('Cause they think you are bad
Yes, they do!
And they are very mad)

'Cause some folks don't want prayer in school!

(We'd need an ark to survive the drool
Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And 'Jimbo-Jumbo' when they graduate)

Convinced they are 'The Chosen Ones'
And all their parents carry guns,
(Hey, look! Godzilla!)
And hold them cards in the N.R.A.
(Ah, hellfire, Melvin, hey hee!)
(With their fingers on the trigger
("It's hot.")
When they kneel and pray)
("I mean that . . . ")

With a Ku-Klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain't Born Again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin':
"No abortion, no-siree!"
"Life's too precious, can't you see!"
(What's that hanging from a neighbor's tree?
Why, it looks like 'colored folks' to me
Would THEY do THAT . . .
They've been doing it for years!
Seriously?)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dynamic Eric Buxton

Imagine if you will,
A multi-millionaire TV Evangelist,
Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator

Studied law
But is not qualified to practice it

Father of a "love child"
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa's religious propaganda program

Claims not to be a "Faith Healer,"
But has, in the past,
Dealt sternly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes

Involved with funding for an 'undeclared war' in Central America
Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends

Involved in suspicous 'tax-avoidance schemes',
(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)

Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;
Currently seeking the United States Presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into
The Twilight Zone

But, hey! What if Pat gets in the White House,
(No fucking way, Ike,
You know what I mean)
The rights of 'certain people' disappear
Mysteriously?

Now, wouldn't that sort of qualify
As an American Tragedy?
(Especially if they cover it up, saying
"Jesus told it to me!")
(I mean vapor tight, we're like this, okay?
I mean that)
I hope we never see that day,
(I mean that. Right here. It's hot. It's hot.)
In The Land of The Free
Or someday will we?
(92?)
Will we?
(96?)

And if you don't know by now,
The truth of what I'm telling you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow
Surely I have failed somehow
Surely I have failed somehow

And Jesus will think I'm a jerk, just like you
If you let those TV Preachers
Make a monkey out of you!

I said:
"Jesus will think you're a jerk"
And it would be true!

There's an old rugged cross
In the land of the Stainless Maiden
It's just burning on the lawn
But this person looks like Tom Braden!

Jim and Tammy!
Oh, baby!
You gotta go!
You really got to go!
Jim and Tammy got to go

[FZ:] Ladies and gentlemen, this is intermission. Get your butt out there and register to vote! Would you please? See you in a half an hour!