The Groupie Routine

(album: You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 1 - 1988)

[Mark:]
I mean really... Really!... I mean, you guys, what can I say, you guys are my favorite band. You gotta tell me something, are you here in Hollywood long? I mean, I just...

[Howard:] No, I'm uh, we're recording here in town

[Mark:] You're recording?

[Howard:] Yeah, at the Record Plant

[Mark:] The Record Plant. Oh!

[Howard:] Yeah

[Mark:]
Bobby Sherman records there. I just love Bobby Sherman, and David Cassidy. Do you know David Cassidy?

[Howard:] No, I...

[Mark:] Have you ever run into any members of the Three Dog Night?

[Howard:] Joe Schermie once, uh...

[Mark:]
Oh! They are my favorite band, they're so professional, I mean, so creative. How about David Crosby? I mean, he's so in, you know, I...

[Howard:] No, I never...

[Mark:] He's He just knows, I mean, he almost cut his hair, but he didn't, well...

[Howard:]
No... Listen, do you know how, do you know how to get to the Chateau Marmont from here?

[Mark:] Not exactly, is it by the, by the airport?

[Howard:] No, no, we don't We have a bus on this particular thing

[Mark:] Oh!

[Howard:] Yeah

[Mark:] Tell me one thing, do you like my new car?

[Howard:] Oh, yeah, it's a Pavilion, isn't it?

[Mark:] Oh! Not just a Pavilion, it's a Pauley Pavilion

[Howard:]
Oh! (Bleagh!) Yeah, it's real futuristic, I like the little naked man turn signals. So, uh... we gotta get up, you know, and go to the studio in the morning, and then we record for about two weeks and then we, uh, we leave again.

[Frank Zappa:] Ha ha ha ha!

[Mark:] Oh really? Where do you play when you go from here?

[Howard:] Uh, let me see... Needles.

[Mark:] Oh, you guys are so professional!

[Howard:] No, it's nothing...

[Mark:] I mean the way you get to travel to...

[Howard:] It's a...

[Mark:]
... to all those exotic towns you get to play in, and playing all these great sounding halls, I mean...

[Howard:] I'm immune to it, you know...

[Mark:]
Tell me something. Do you really have a hit single in the charts now, right now I mean, with a bullet? That's really important.

[Howard:] Listen, baby, would I lie to you just to run my fingers through your pubes?

[Mark:] Don't talk to me that way!

[Howard:] No, what I was saying...

[Mark:] I am not a groupie!

[Howard:] I never said you're a...

[Mark:]
I am not a groupie, neither are my friends here, Jim, and Ian, and Aynsley and Don and Frank, none of us are groupies

[Howard:] Pleased to meet all you girls

[Frank Zappa:] Hi, Howie

[Jim:]... take for a...

[Mark:] Tell 'em, tell 'em, we don't, we aren't groupies

[Jim:] Howard...

[Howard:] Yeah

[Jim:] We only like musicians for friends

[Howard:] Yeah. That's right.

[Jim:] You, you know? You understand?

[Frank Zappa:] We still wanna hear your record

[Mark:] And we'd still like to come in your bus

[Howard:]
Yeah? Listen now, on the other side of the record didn't you say that you get off being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn, and that your hairlipped queen-o bass-playing girlfriend with the crossed eyes and the tits on his shirt had to have it with a hot 7-Up bottle or he went up the wall?

[Mark:] Oh, Howie...

[Howard:] What's the deal, mama?

[Mark:]
Howie, all that's true, Howie, and sometimes I even dig it with a Jack-In-The-Box ring job. But Howie, we are not...

[Howard:] At last!

[Mark:] We are not groupies, Howie, I told Robert Plant that...

[Howard:] Plant-uh?

[Mark:] I told Elton John, I told Steve Stills...

[Howard:] Yeah...

[Mark:] And he didn't even want to ball me

[Howard:]
I can see that. Listen. The thing is, baby, I want some action, you know? I'm only here for a couple of weeks recording at the Record Plant with the naked statue in the bathroom 'n stuff, I'm horny as fuck. Listen to me. I want a steaming, succulent, juicy, drippy, ever-widening kind of a smelly, slimy, many-folded sort of in-and-out contracting sphincter kind of a hole with a, with a, with a... let's see, there's gotta be a way I can put this discreetly...

[Frank Zappa:] Ha ha ha!

[Howard:] Let's say we hop in the aisle over those guys in the blue and fuck, baby!

[Mark:]
Hey, hey, hey! I'm in this band, man! I told you that many times. No matter what goes on. Listen, it just so happens tonight... I mean, this is unbelievable. Are you a Virgo?

[Howard:] No...

[Mark:]
I mean it just so happens tonight me and my girlfriends, well we came here looking for a guy from a group

[Howard:] Ah!

[Mark:] But just not any guy from any group

[Howard:] Yeah?

[Mark:] We're looking for a guy from a group with a dick!

[Howard:] Well! I can show you

[Mark:] But he's gotta have a dick which is a monster!

[Howard:]
Waaah!... That's me! You peeked. That's me, you little Westwood wench nipple queen! Take me, I'm yours, you hole, fulfill my wildest dreams.

[Mark:] Oh, oh, oh, anything for you, my most seductive pop star of a man

[Howard:] Yeah?

[Mark:] Picture this if you can...

[Howard:] Okay, I'll try

[Mark:] Bead jobs

[Howard:] Bead jobs!

[Mark:]
Knotted nylons. Bamboo canes. Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young fighting at the Fillmore East.

[Howard:] Oh, no...

[Mark:] Two unreleased recordings of, of the Grateful Dead sitting in with Mel Tormé

[Howard:]
Yeah! Oh, no, I... Oh, man, oh, I, I just... I can't stand it! You understand me, baby, I mean, I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! Feet on fire! I'm going home! I gotta see my baby! I'm gonna love her so much! I can't stand it!