Jamie's Petting Zoo

(album: Friendly People - 1994)

I've had my pet since I was nine years old
I loved him and fed him, kept him out of the cold
But one day he attacked
I knew he didn't love me back
So I grabbed him like a football
And punted fifty yards

Now I hate pets
Take yourself to the vet
Now I hate pets
Dolphins trapped in little nets
Now I hate pets
You little fucking screaming shit-bag
I should of let your mother
Eat you, little fucker

So I got a little birdy and I trained it everyday
He knew 1000 words but then he flew away
But then I got him back
The fucker wouldn't shut his trap
So I took him to the bathroom
And rubbed his beak in shit

Now I hate pets
Spotted owls in their nests
Now I hate pets
Bagged a deer and made a vest
Now I hate pets
Birds and bees and bears and bison
Pigs and parrots and pandas
I fucking hate them all!

I was walking through the park when a snake peered from his hole
A perfect opportunity to take the bastard home
I chopped his fucking head off
With my handy garden hoe
And made a lovely hat-band
For my redneck cousin bo, heee-haaw!

Now I hate pets
10,000 volts to the chest
Now I hate pets
Fed my cat some cigarettes
Now I hate pets
You screaming little fucking shit-bag
Bastard
Fuck you, you
Fucking pig-shit licker, fuck!