Just How I Feel, Pt. 4

(album: I'll Leave The Light On Just In Case - 2019)

Things lately all seem so tragic
The self-destruction's been gathering
Memories I'm hardly fathoming
Did they happen to me or someone I used to love that sounded like a piece of me leaving?
Every seven years, these cells are replaced
My body is part soil, part water, part garbage, maybe part you
Where did the DNA information travel?
Did I hold on too tight?
Did I harbor it?
I don't know
Have I grown to love the world around me because I built it?
Did I allow myself to experience life or just an echo chamber for the wicked?
I guess I never asked what would happen if the doctor got sick
Because to me, healers were never people, they were part of a service, and now I'm scared I've abused it
So where do good people go when they die, the ones you reject?
I wish you would disappear again so I could find myself
I'll swallow my pride if it means I wouldn't be so afraid of hell
Embellished or simply untrue
When I look into a mirror, can I still say, "I love you"?
Whatever whispered back "I love you, too," was my reflection ashamed of the words I've shared?
When I turned on myself, will there be another pain to bear?
And with all of this, I keep the curtains shut
The sun reminds me of better days
I don't think about it too much
I keep my heart in my back pocket and my mind trapped in the strain
And now I just take it day by day

I miss looking up to Bill Cosby
I miss innocence
I miss being selfish
I miss Gene Wilder and Garry Shandling
I miss being afraid of marijuana
I miss when my friends hated me
I miss Jersey Shore
I miss being afraid of the dark
I missed my grandma's funeral to play music for 15 kids
I miss not having to hate myself to feel like I'm balancing out the score
I miss not being sick
I miss the pity I got when I was sick
I miss loving those around
I miss embracing hope
I miss when my heroes seemed perfect, but thank God they've been called out, 'cause I'm not living in the sickening ignorance
I miss me
I miss myself
I miss feeling lovely
I miss feeling loved
I miss feeling love
I missed three calls from you because I was watching TV
Not even a show I liked, just a show that I got sucked into
One of those shows about home renovations
I hated it, but I had to know if the seafoam tile in the bathroom would come in under budget
I miss the bad weather
I miss excuses
I miss the smell of a dinner being cooked for my whole family under one roof
I miss blank stares from across the room
I missed my moment to love you the right way the first time and I'm still beating myself up for it
I miss a lot of things
I miss nothing
I miss the nothingness that comes with missing nothing
But I miss the something I feel when I miss something
Or everything, or nothing
I miss skating
I miss watching you sing, even though I never heard you do it before
I miss those nights when my knees would hit the bedroom floor, 'cause I still believed in the power of praying
I miss the days where I didn't believe in prayer at all, 'cause there was no guilt
I miss watching Boy Meets World with my babysitter
He's the one who showed me P.O.D. and since then, I've been much happier
I miss me
I miss myself
I miss feeling lovely
I miss feeling loved
I miss feeling love
And someday, when my bones are dust, and my DNA's been spread through the garbage behind your house, I hope you also miss me

The first time one of my friends started smoking cigarettes I thought, "This is the end of him, he's gonna lose himself in this"
Not realizing a pack a day was common for the people around me
I was just blinded to it 'cause it never happened in my own family
And I was afraid of perspective
Now I'm afraid of perspective
And I'm afraid of perspective
And I'm afraid of perspective
'Cause it'll chase me [?]

"If it is human nature to reject struggle, then I reject nature. We have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown"
"If it is human nature to reject struggle, then I reject nature. We have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown"
"If it is human nature to reject struggle, then I reject nature. We have become so soaked in irony, we are starting to drown"
...

Death is not a moment in our lives
Death is constant
And our lives are a moment
So when we choose to spend our lives hating someone else
It's a moment
We hate something we see
In ourselves