A Question

(album: Equivalency II: Everything We Left Out - 2019)

Is it enough that you succeed or does someone else need to fail?
There's a lot that my soul still needs and my heart has left a bleeding trail
To balance out my order/chaos dynamic
I derive joy from anything that isn't panic
Because life doesn't get easier, but our strength moves like meteors
And lately, I'm not afraid of monsters as much as I'm afraid of becoming one
My mind has been hiding the imposters and the thought of revenge sometimes sounds like fun
So I begin to run so I don't get lost in what was
Removing my pride so I don't feel so undone
It's crazy what a soul can become
'Cause you have to make your opponent seem reprehensible so you don't have to take them seriously
But freedom from the chains of depression are obtainable when I can talk to myself fearlessly
So, I turn to songs and music and bands that feel honest
Music where I'm finally not paying for the name, but I'm actually paying for the product
I promise that I'm echoing the message that I was taught when I was facing trauma
I wrote about the real stuff in my life and now I feel like I've lost it
That sense of comfort of knowing no one really knows me
Because I'm afraid of my mistakes and I don't like feeling lonely
So I ask, you don't need to stay, but before you leave, could you at least hold me?

I hate feeling this depression
I hate making first impressions
I hate digging my head in the sand
And I hate not having your attention
I hate that there's hate in my heart
And I promise that it'll someday leave me
But the moments I spend creating art are the only ones that I feel can still complete me
And I'll say "I love you" to my dad more often, now that my mom is living in heaven
I'll stop complaining about the past and I'll stop hoping things were just more even
And I won't complain about the rules, even when I feel that the game is not fair
Because life can end in one quick second and it's time that I begin to care
I want to pray more often and I want to talk less
I want to let love begin to blossom and stop living in mess
I want to focus on my physical health and stop indulging when I'm depressed
I want to make life less about fearing hell and more about the love we possess
And I want to feel beautiful even in the moments that I regret
I just want to feel beautiful