Mother I Sober

(album: Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers - 2022)

I'm sensitive, I feel everything, I feel everybody
One man standing on two words, heal everybody
Transformation, then reciprocation, karma must return
Heal myself, secrets that I hide, buried in these words
Death threats, ego must die, but I let it purge
Pacify, broken pieces of me, it was all a blur
Mother cried, put they hands on her, it was family ties
I heard it all, I should've grabbed a gun, but I was only five
I still feel it weighing on my heart, my first tough decision
In the shadows clinging to my soul as my only critic
Where's my faith? Told you I was Christian, but just not today
I transformed, praying to the trees, God is taking shape
My mother's mother followed me for years in her afterlife
Staring at me on back of some buses, I wake up at night
Loved her dearly, traded in my tears for a Range Rover
Transformation, you ain't felt grief 'til you felt it sober

I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself
Ooh, I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself

I remember looking in the mirror knowing I was gifted
Only child, me for seven years, everything for Christmas
Family ties, they accused my cousin, "Did he touch you, Kendrick?"
Never lied, but no one believed me when I said "He didn't"
Frozen moments, still holding on it, hard to trust myself
I started rhyming, coping mechanisms to lift up myself
Talked to my lawyer, told me not to be so hard on myself
He has an aura, I hope to achieve, if I find some help
Congratulations, made it to be famous, still I feel uneasy
Water watching, live my life in nature, only thing relieves me
Spirit guide whisper in my ear, tell me that she sees me
"Did he touch you?" I said "No" again, still they didn't believe me
Mother's brother said he got revenge for my mother's face
Black and blue, the image of my queen that I can't erase
'Til this day can't look her in the eyes, pain is taking over
Blame myself, you never felt guilt 'til you felt it sober

I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself
Ooh, I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself

I was never high, I was never drunk, never out my mind
I need control, they handed me some smoke, but still I declined
I did it sober sitting with myself, I went through all emotions
No dependents, except for one, let me bring you closer
Intoxicated, there's a lustful nature that I failed to mention
Insecurities that I project, sleeping with other women
Whitney's hurt, the purest soul I know, I found her in the kitchen
Asking God, "Where did I lose myself? And can it be forgiven?"
Broke me down, she looked me in my eyes, "Is there an addiction?"
I said "No," but this time I lied, I knew that I can't fix it
Pure soul, even in her pain, know she cared for me
Gave me a number, said she recommended some therapy
I asked my momma why she didn't believe me when I told her "No"
I never knew she was violated in Chicago, I'm sympathetic
Told me that she feared it happened to me, for my protection
Though it never happened, she wouldn't agree
Now I'm affected, twenty years later trauma has resurfaced
Amplified as I write this song, I shiver 'cause I'm nervous
I was five, questioning myself, 'lone for many years
Nothing's wrong, just results on how them questions made me feel
I made it home, seven years of tour, chasing manhood
But Whitney's gone, by time you hear this song, she did all she could
All those women gave me superpowers, what I thought I lacked
I pray our children don't inherit me and feelings I attract
A conversation not being addressed in Black families
The devastation, haunting generations and humanity
They raped our mothers, then they raped our sisters
Then they made us watch, then made us rape each other
Psychotic torture between our lives we ain't recovered
Still living as victims in the public eyes who pledge allegiance
Every other brother has been compromised
I know the secrets, every other rapper sexually abused
I see 'em daily burying they pain in chains and tattoos
So listen close before you start to pass judgement on how he move
Learn how he cope, whenever his uncle had to walk him from school
His anger grows deep in misogyny
This is post-traumatic Black families and a sodomy, today is still active
So I set free myself from all the guilt that I thought I made
So I set free my mother all the hurt that she titled shame
So I set free my cousin, chaotic for my mother's pain
I hope Hykeem made you proud 'cause you ain't die in vain
So I set free the power of Whitney, may she heal us all
So I set free our children, may good karma keep them with God
So I set free the hearts filled with hatred, keep our bodies sacred
As I set free all you abusers, this is transformation

I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself
Ooh, I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself

You did it, I'm proud of you
You broke a generational curse
Say "Thank you, dad"
Thank you, daddy, thank you, mommy, thank you, brother
Mr. Morale

Before I go in fast asleep, love me for me
I bare my soul and now we're free