Deconstruction

(album: Church Clothes 4 - 2022)

Find your way, find your way, find your way, find your way
Find your way back home
No, time won't take too long, put it behind you
You can still find your way, find your way, find your way, find your way
Find your way back home
When you feel too far gone
He can still find you

I deconstructed long before people knew what to call it
I know that's scary to some folk, so hold on, let me pause it
Take you back to how it started, maybe you relate
Maybe you ain't never met me, but you know my pain
Focused on Jesus in Atlanta, fresh from Tenessee
Wasn't legalistic, catch me with a cup of Hennessey
I would speak at churches, hang with leaders and such
You know, Judah, Piper, and Keller, Tony Evans was clutch
I was so involved, never thought that I could fall, y'all
Right before the fall of 2015, I was all off
It involved killing Michael Brown, had me feeling down
Tweeted 'bout it, Christians call me clown, I was losing ground
And Voddie was a hero of mine, met with him plenty times
This time, when he spoke, it cut me deeper than I realize
Doubled-down, spoke about my pain, I was met with blame
"Shame on you, 'Crae, stop crying, get back to Jesus' name"
Cut me deep, I was losing sleep, "God, ain't these Your sheep?"
When they hate me like they do, maybe grace is really cheap
Maybe this is all a lie, they don't really love me
They just love it when I say the things they want to hear in public
They like following God mean turning on black people
Is black evil?
Why do they hate and attack people?
I'm vulnerable and cautious, I'm reading Baldwin
Ta-Nehisi got me thinking, now I'm going all in
I'on know if God was real no mo'
Everyday we getting killed, and I can't deal no mo'
I started slipping in the darkness, I'm feeling heartless
Christians got me traumatized, I'on know who God is
Drinking liquor for my therapy, and smoking mari-tree
Maybe I should get divorced, I don't know why she married me
What's the purpose? What's the point?
Nothing matters, I'm just matter, I'm just atoms
Ain't no Eve and ain't no Adam
Where the Xanis? Let me at 'em
I was floating in confusion until I dropped
Woke up in a clinical depression, then it all stopped
Sinning like Saul 'till I hit Damascus
God knocked me off the mule 'fore I hit the casket
Heard a faint voice calling me late, I couldn't sleep
It said, "'Crae I know you love me, I need you to feed my sheep"
Tears streaming as I weep, felt I heard the Lord speak
I've been running from You but You never ran away from me
It was people that hurt me, it wasn't God, though
I let the church trauma turn into a God wound
I learned the western world has twisted up the scriptures
So when I re-enlisted, I learned the eastern context the way that Jesus meant it
My peace has been cemented, my soul has been re-lifted
My deconstruction ended, reconstruction is beginning
My peace has been cemented, my soul has been re-lifted
My deconstruction ended, reconstruction is beginning

Find your way, find your way, find your way, find your way
Find your way back home
No, time won't take too long, put it behind you
You can still find your way, find your way, find your way, find your way
Find your way back home
When you feel too far gone
He can still find you