Jail (from "Dave" soundtrack)

[Concert Scene:]
On stage rapping, (oh)
Ain't shit to me, I'm a rapper
That's what I do (hey)
Young Dave snappin (woo)
The crowd seem to fuck with me and I like them, too
Ordinarily I might joke around on the stage (ya)
Funny motherfucker, class clown, 12th grade
Sometimes I might overstep my boundaries (hm)
Do some weird shit, believe in the art of the joke (ya)
In this case, I was like
Ay, y'all a great crowd
So as a reward, do you wanna see my dick?
Crowd went wild, now I'm kinda torn
Mid-show soft dick, is my worst soft dick
I'm a moron (show your dick, show your dick)
Whole crowd chants (shit)
I'm like, I can't, but what about nuts? (yeah)
People erupt, whipped out the nuts, cheers

[Dressing Room Scene:]
Off stage, head up to the dressing room
Five cops waiting in my dressing room
Goddamn, dude, you blowing up
Look at how they beefing up the security (hey)
I was like, Offices, I'll be okay (ya)
One cop said, "Sir, you're under arrest" (ha)
I laughed in jest, assumed he was just showing off for his cop friends
Opened some Chex Mix
Sir, I'm gonna need you to put on these cuffs
I'm like, "What?"
Sir, you just exposed yourself
At an all-ages show nonentheless
Wait, you talking 'bout showing nuts? (Sir)
That's like a common joke
You never pull out a ball with your friends or... (Sir)
Never?
Sir, please put on these cuffs
Wait, stop, no, this is actually happening? (Sir)
Wait, this is unfair (Sir!)
I'm sorry, I swear! (Sir!)
Please hear my out...
Sir, you're going to jail
I'm like, "Jail?" (I'm like jail)
He like, Yeah!
I'm like, "Jail?" (I'm like jail)
Yeah!

[Court Scene:]
Booked, bail
Pay it, scared (this is crazy)
Months pass, trial (real trial)
45 parents press charges (oh)
I got a DUI in college (stupid)
This was not my first offense (oh, my God)
Children were crying on the stand (stand)
Probably the dorks of their class (you're a loser)
Now it's the day of my reckoning
They 'bout to give me my sentencing
Can't even breathe and I'm trembling
The jury arrived at a verdict (guilty!)
I thought I misheard it (guilty!)
Mama Burd going berserk (my son!)
Wait, you said two years, Your Honor? (yes)

[Jail Arrival Scene:]
On the bus to Tuckawala
They got me chained to Roberto
Tat on his face he was fidgety
Shook as can be as we pulling in (hm)
They take my picture, unchain me
They give me my state I.D. (thanks)
Then they took me to a room
And told me to "spread your cheeks" (ewww...)
I was like, "Like this?" (like this?)
They like, "Yeah, but rake your nuts"
Rake... rake my nuts?
Like pull 'em up?
Yes
Oh, okay
They made me squat and cough (ah... ahh...)
Standard procedure, I'm wid it (it's cool)
After I finished, I had a minute with the guard
Say to him, "Sir, I know this is bizarre
But the whole rape thing, is it, like, real?
Is it actually a thing in Jail? or...?"
He like, "Yeah"
I'm like, "Yeah? (it really happens?)
He like, "Yeah" (isn't it your job to protect people?)

[Cell Arrival Scene:]
Getting walked to my cell (we got a white boy)
Walking through jail (wooo wooo wooo, woo yeah!)
Shit is like hell (you dead, you dead)
It's just like the movies (getting fucked!)
Screaming and hollering, hooting (fresh meat!)
A black guy said, "I'll break your back!" (on your back now!)
Hispanic guy ask, "What that mouth like?" (imma need that)
A neo-Nazi just smiles... (hmmmm)
We get to my... cell
Got a cellmate named Raheem (hi, I'm Dave!)
Good dude, wonder why he in (I'm Raheem)
Then he asked me what I even did (what'd you do?)
I explained the whole thing, (yeah)
Was performing, (yeah)
Showed my nuts, (huh?)
Totally innocent, like...
Well, I did it, but it was an innocent act
It's not a big deal
Now I'm here in Tuckawala for two years for exposing myself to minors
"Whoa, whoa, you a pedophile?" Raheem said
No, I'm not a pedophile, you just heard the story
Okay, okay, okay, you cannot let anyone know this
Why? It's not a big...
If they find out, then it's over
Over?
You raped, dead, maybe...
Raped dead?
Let's just think of solutions instead
Raped dead?
In here there's the Blacks and the Mexicans
Well, what about those white supremacists? (heh)
They see that you're Jewish it's evident (it's evident? what does...)
The Blacks and the Mexicans don't have inherent hatred for you (true)
You gotta pick one of them for protection (who?)
The Blacks or the Mexicans? (yes)
Uh, I mean, I guess
I got Blacks, right? Blacks
Okay
I just don't know much about Mexicans (I hear you)
Like, at home I would hang out with Blacks (go with blacks then...)
Well, how do they know I'm with Blacks?
Like... how do I refer to it?
Do I say "Blacks"? (you won't have to say...)
I feel like it'd be weird
If I said, "I'm with the blacks" (it's not like that)
How is it referred to?
Don't worry, I'll make sure that everyone knows you're with us

[Recreation Scene:]
Three o'clock rec ball
Pretty solid courts, real good runs
Watched on the sidelines, didn't try to run
Calling for next would be calling for death
Real good black dude roll his ankle (ewww...)
Mexican guy on the side says, "ay, carambo"
Now there's a squad, thats only got four players
And in jail the other team picks his replacement
They look around and my heart started racing
One guy is beelining straight up at David
Cause they probably think I'm a horrible player
They like, "All right, take this white, skinny bitch"
Little did they know I'm a bad motherfucker on the court
First play hit 'em with the cross-up fake (swoosh)
Next play, wide open three, like... wet (swoosh)
The yard taking notice, (yo)
I take a charge. but they don't even notice (bro)
Don't leave him open, his jumper is potent (ha)
Pat on the back
Feel like a black
Dap, dap, dap

[Exposed Scene:]
All the sudden, a Mexican guy
Walks on the court and says
Stop the game, stop the game, stop the game
Gets in my face
Says, "You know what he did?"
Everyone's frozen in place
You know what he did? (what'd he do? what'd he do?)
He raped some kids
Whoa, whoa, whoa, not true! I said
He said, "One was my niece!"
Hold on, I can explain, I'm a rapper, I was on stage (you ain't no motherfucking rapper)
Yes, I am (we gon' rape you)
No, I am a rapper
I'll spit, you want me to spit?
I'll fucking spit! I'll...
You 'bout to get fucked, pendejo!
Listen, my dick sucks, my dick sucks
Uh..., that's just a hook
Remember the name, Don Quixote
That's the guy that will fuck you later
Okay, chismoso? (hahaha)
Then he walked away
I tried to play it cool, I'm like, "Back to the game"
Punched in the back, (ah)
Thrown off the court
I'm like, "I'm with the Blacks!" (that made it worse)
Smack! smack! smack!
I'm like, "I didn't rape no kids, I just showed my sack
You never did that, like, with your friends?" (ain't fuck nah, pussy)
It was just a joke!
I believe in the art of the joke (that don't sound very funny)
Yeah, but you should've seen it, it worked
They laughed, the joke was successful
They whipped my ass, (pa pa)
Now I'm not with the Blacks (you ain't black)

[Cell Scene:]
Lick my wounds in my cell, (eeehhuuu)
Tell Raheem all the facts (this guy walked on the court...)
He like, Oh, no, Don Quiote?" (yeah)
That's the most dangerous Mexican (really?)
And now all the Blacks not potecting you
Yeah, no shit, and by the way
They didn't take kindly to me saying I was with the Blacks
Well, now... (offft)
Now everyone's got the green light (green light?)
I wish I could make it be right (Raheem...)
You're definately gonna get raped (raped dead?)
If I were you, I'd learn to fight
I can't fight, I'd lose every fight
Instead of fighting back
What if I offer, like, willing head?
Willing head?
I'm like, "Yeah"
Willing head?
Yeah
Think about it
Nobody wants to fight (that's not true)
I would much rather give consensual head
Than get fucked up my ass and die
Well, it's not gon' be an option like that
No, no, hear me out
What if one day up in the caf I stuck a paper on the wall? (a paper?)
Yeah, a sign-up sheet (a sign-up sheet?)
Yeah, with time slots (what... time slots?)
Yeah, for head
You know, if you, if you don't rape me
I'll give you the best head you'll ever get in jail
And I'll be such a joy, so pleasant
What a great companion I could be (I don't think...)
This is so smart (uh...)
Yeah! uh...
Then word would get around about the head
And everybody woud start to realize
The second I'm raped, that the head off the table
Better than anal
The brothers would kill for this shit, Cain and Abel
You're not gonna have the option like that, cuh
It's... it's cool when you say "cuh"
Like cuz, but you... "cuh"
Where you from, Raheem?
Man, I gotta nap
Oh, when you wake, then

[Cafeteria Scene:]
Caf, tuna fish (ugh)
Actually surprised because this shit fire, (hmm)
Usually I'm real picky with my tuna type
Only like my mom's and Subway's
Did you guys know
That Subway's the biggest chain in the world, over McDonalds?
No one responded
Tap Raheem's shoulder, I said
"Did you know that, Raheem?" (uhh)
He like, "What?"
That Subway's the biggest chain?
Bigger than McDonald's (no)

[Don Quixote Scene:]
Waking back to me cell, (aye)
Just me and the guard, I feel greasy (yeah)
All the sudden he bail (what the fuck)
Then as I turned the corner, I saw Don Quixote (fuck)
Fuck, this is it, oh, my God
Dave, you're so raped (fuck)
Thought of my options, he started approaching (ohh)
I'm like, "Quixote, relax, I'm open to it"
Come here
Kissed on his neck
Licked on his ears
Took off his shirt
Kissed on his stomach, his chest is... so bulbous
But I'm playing my part (yeah)
He falling hard, (yeah)
I got his heart (yeah)
I get down to my knees, aye
Tease, aye
Whipped out the dick (oh, my God, so big, ah...)
Veins, everywhere, so many veins
Off-colored dick
Darker than I expected
I realized in that moment
I've never seen a Mexicano's dick before
Spit on the dick (pusst)
His guard fallen
Cocked his head back real slow
And then said, "Ay, carambo"
Plan coming to fruition
I open wide, put the tip in
And I close my eyes, and pray to God and...
Bit off his dick (ay, carambo)
Spit out his dick (ugh!)
He fell to his knees...