The Package (Skit)

(album: Dungeon Master Of Ceremonies - 2006)

[harp music plays]
[Jesus]
Ahh I love playing this harp, it relaxes me

[mc chris]
Huh? I was never shot
I was never assassinated I'M ALIVE!!!

[Jesus]
No (what?) You were shot; you're in Heaven

[mc chris]
No, no you're St. Peter aren't you?

[Jesus]
What??!! St. Peter?!
I'm Jesus! (Oh!)
God damn you!
St. Peter's a big, fat shit, with a hydrocephalic head
(I'm sorry) Disgusting looking!
(I'm sorry) How could you confuse?
Maaan, look I got the classic beard, and the robe

[mc chris]
You're clearly Jesus (and the sandal feet)
You're clearly Jesus, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!!

[Jesus]
Take a look down there at the bottom of the robe

[mc chris]
Yeah what at your sandals?

[Jesus]
What do you see? No between the feet

[mc chris]
Is.. is that the tip of your?

[Jesus]
It's the tip of my dick

[mc chris]
No way! (Jesus has a Four foot dick)
That's incredible how'd you... well you're Jesus!
(Of course!) Yeah
What do your balls look like?

[Jesus]
Let me.. let me tell you
I thought to myself Jesus, you're Jesus
What could you give yourself
that nobody else in the universe would have?
Allow me to hike up my robe here (ahh)
Clear balls with goldfish swimming around in them!

[mc chris]
That's inc.. look how cute they are!
There's like a little castle in there
(Castle, treasure chest, skeleton)
And a little diving man, it's so cute
(Heh heh heh heh)
I could spend the whole day there (I'm sayin!)
When you're having sex with a women doesn't that...
Isn't that painful I mean it's gotta be!

[Jesus]
Well let me tell you what I'd do I would magically just extend their cervix
'til up to about their sternum (oh okay I see)
or throat area and that generally makes it fine
But to tell you the truth, I
I'm not really having sex with women too much these days

[mc chris]
Really?

[Jesus]
To tell you the truth I'm actually having sex with um
It's a creature of my own uh, imagining if you will (ohh)
I searched my imagination and thought what, what
What's the creature that I Jesus find most attractive? (Huh)
And it turns out it's kind of a, a dinosaur dragon bird type creature
It looks actually like you know when Discovery Channel was doing that thing
on like, you know what if raptors had feathers?
(Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah I saw that I saw that yeah)
It looks a lot like that

[mc chris]
But if you're Jesus you don't
You don't really need Discovery Channel
I mean you've seen the dinosaurs already

[Jesus]
Nah that was uh before I was born actually
(Ahh yeah) Yeah (yeah)
Alright here let's get down to business
I've got the list of things you did in your life here (ooh)
Let's see you were a pretty bad drunk (yeah)
You made a lot of stupid skits on your records (yeah)
You did have thirty thousand MySpace friends

[mc chris]
Yeah, yeah I did that's, that's true!
(That means something up here)
Really?

[Jesus]
Yeah, you know who'd be interested to hear that? My buddy Lincoln
HEY LINCOLN!! You know this guy's got thirty thousand MySpace friends?
{Thirty thousand MySpace friends, is he usin bots?}
I don't know, I'll ask him are you usin bots?
(No! It's just fan base)
No he's not usin bots, it's just fan base
{Is he a porn star?}
No it's not a porn star, it's mc chris {HUH!}
It's great; I've got, you know everybody
{Hey Beethoven~!! This guy's got thirty thousand MySpace friends}
from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure up here
(Oh that's cool, that's cool)
It's pretty... it's pretty cool
{Thirty thousand MySpace friends! Is he using bots?}
Except uh, Keanu
{Huh that's what I asked; nope, no bots}
And uhh, Alex Winter
{Is he a porn star?}
What are you deaf?
Or is that is that you or Mozart?
I can never remember
{BEEEEEEEEP}

[Secretary]
That dragon bird lady is on line two again

[Jesus]
Ohhh this dragon bird won't leave me alone
(Oh shit Jesus what'll we do?!)
I try to be honest I try to say
"Dragon bird, it's just a sex thing, I don't want a relationship"
(Right, right, right)
This dragon bird is super into me, you gotta help me
You gotta help me out here

[mc chris]
Well uh Jesus use your powers!

[Jesus]
Hmm yes!! How about this? We switch places
You become Jesus, and I'll become you
and I'll go down to Earth and enjoy some moderate success as a nerd rapper

[mc chris]
Well, I'm not just a nerd rapper
I rap about all kinds of stuff
My music kind of transcends boundaries

[Jesus]
Uhh suuuuuure it does
Alright, let's do this thing
[finger snap] {beeeeep boooop}

[mc chris]
Oh wow, a real beard, a full beard!

[Jesus]
Oh wow a big fat baby face

[mc chris]
A robe, a cool robe, and some bad-ass desert sandals!

[Jesus]
Oh look disgusting hobbit feet, great!

[mc chris]
Well what'll we do now Jesus?

[Jesus]
Now I'm going to open this trap door down here [door hinge sound]
and climb down this ladder down to Earth
Here I go! Oh okay, over there are towels (right)
And the menus are in the drawer (okay) if you want to order out okay?
Emergency numbers on the phone (right)
And just have fun, remember to have fun

[mc chris]
I will Jesus you have fun too (alright byyyye!)
Alright later Jesus, good luck!

[Jesus]
Climbing down the ladder
Climbing down to earth
Climbing down and I'm climbing down the ladder and oh my God!
The ladder ended too soon!!!! (Jesus!)
Why didn't they finish building this ladder?!?! (What are you doing?!)
Oh my God, I'm falling! (Jesus don't fall!)
Help me!! (Oh no!)
Use your new Jesus powers to help me!
(My new Jesus what do I do?)
Help me I'm falling! (Uhhh, parachute!)
Come on!

[mc chris]
Para.. I just conjured up a parachute
Jesus I'm throwing it down to you!!

[Jesus]
Parachute? That's the worst idea!
Don't you know that the laws of physics dictate
that two objects at different masses fall at the same speed?
That parachute (catch the parachute!)
No it'll never reach me you idiot
Oh I'm falling! (Catch it, look for the parachute!)
Oh my God I'm hitting the Earth's atmosphere at tremendous speed
(Look for the parachute Jesus!)
Oh the friction is causing me to burn up in the atmosphere
(Do you see a parachute!?) Oh my God! I don't see a parachute
My eyeballs are burning out! (Jesus, Jesus no!)
Oh my God! I'm burning it hurts so bad! (Oh no, Jesus!)
Oh my god! I'm ash I'm pure ash and I'm falling to earth! (Oh Jesus!)

[Jesus]
Oh I'm falling... and I'm lining on the mountain tops
Oh the cool mountain tops (so peaceful)
Oh the snow is cooling my charred ash (Jesus is okay, whew)
OH GOD!!!!!!!! Oh skiers are skiing on me!

[mc chris]
Ahh Jesus you're being skied on!
(Skiers are skiing all over me!)
Oh Jesus!
(I don't wanna die here!)
Oh Jesus you poor soul!
(Ohhhh and I'm dead)
You died twice! (I'm dead)
You're dead twice (I'm dead)

[harp music playing]

[Jesus]
Well that didn't work (sorry dude)
Obviously I died and, my soul came back to heaven
Hey, are you St. Peter?

[mc chris]
What? No, dude

[Jesus]
No I'm just fuckin with ya! [laughing]

[mc chris]
You're always fuckin with me Jesus you son of a

[Jesus]
Oh man I got you

[mc chris]
You got me!

[Jesus]
Hey kid!

[mc chris]
Yeah?

[Jesus]
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE!
OHHH, BAAAH, WOWWWWWWWWWW!