Crisis

Walk through fires I thought I had left in yesterday
I thought I had learned to circumnavigate the pain
Maybe I get high off riding waves and hurricanes
Bringing calm to chaos, knowing chaos gon' win anyway
Rush of the bomb-tick, tortured as an artist
Anxious with my love and I swear I've been trying to solve this
Ice in the veins of the ones I'm trying to change
'Cause I think if I can save 'em, I'll believe I can be saved

Packing my bags and I'm on my way
Nothing you can say that can make me stay
Try to keep you where the light is
But you're a sucker for a crisis
Way too many nights that you left me in the dark
Distance you create between us has been tearing me apart
You expect me to be perfect
Even when you know I don't deserve it

Settled for what we believe we deserve
I believe I deserve only the worst
I let anxiety trigger my heart
Guess I felt comfortable lost in the dark
I grew up having to prove who I was
Everything I did was never enough
Reason I look for the coldest of people
'Cause I lived with evil and thought it was love
I keep repeating the patterns
The people who matter are comfortable shattering me
I give one hundred percent
Get addicted when they only give back a fraction to me
Love to be needed, but I feel defeated when I get depleted and start getting used
I lose my temper and they flip the script and say I'm the one who's really causing abuse
That's when I fight myself
Go and gaslight myself
I start thinking you're right
Starting to not like myself
Getting inside my head
Thinking I'm better off dead
Paint the whole bedroom red
Just so I can get it through your head
That you can't lie and cheat then lie again to make me feel this way
Treat me like it's me who's got an issue when you play your games
Yes, I never lied to you but I've been lying to myself
Thinking I deserve less than I do, breaking out your hell

So you live with all your lies
And how'd you sleep so well those nights we had those fights?
How'd you look in my eyes?
Trick my heart just to rip apart everything inside

Packing my bags and I'm on my way
Nothing you can say that can make me stay
Try to keep you where the light is (Where the light is)
But you're a sucker for a crisis (For a crisis)
Way too many nights that you left me in the dark
Distance you create between us has been tearing me apart
You expect me to be perfect (Expect me to be perfect)
Even when you know I don't deserve it

Thinking the issue is you
I know the issue is me
This isn't me saying you're right; this is me setting me free
I gotta know what I'm worth, gotta know what I deserve
Love is not what is familar; love is me putting me first
I'm done with dousing myself in the gas and then lighting myself just to keep others warm
I'm done with loving these people who treat loving me back like it was some kind of a chore
I'm done with building a house for the people I love when they won't even walk to the door
I'm leaving you to leave who I was
And if anyone asks, I did it for love

You're always getting away instead of basing this home we're trying to build together, you barely spend time in it
Yeah, I'm getting mad right now and angry, 'cause you push my frustrations out the freaking roof, dude
You know my traumas and yet you play off of them all the freaking time
"I can't talk right now," shut your phone off again, are you kidding me?