Toll Booth Willie

(album: They're All Gonna Laugh At You! - 1993)

[Car approaches]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
[M1:] "Hey, how ya doing Toll Booth Willie?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
[M1:] "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fucking idiot!"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch!
I'll come right outta the booth and fucking whack ya, you fucking prick!"

[Another car approaches]
[M2:] "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
[M2:] "Oh, great, great. How much?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
[M2:] "That's fine. Now should I give you the money,
Or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Why you fucking hard on!
I'll fucking Carlton Fisk yer fucking head with a Louise-ville fucking slugger!
Whaddya think of that ass fuck!?"

[Another car approaches]
[F1:] "Hi Willie."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
[F1:] "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out?
I hear your the best with directions."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Well I know my way around New England, I can tell ya that much. So where ya headed?"
[F1:] "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way
To drive up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me,
I'd appreciate it, you fucking prick."
[Drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "You fucking bitch! Fuck you!
You forgot to pay the fucking toll you dirty whore!
I'll fucking drop you with a boot to the fucking skull you cum guzzling queen!"

[Another car approaches]
[M3:] "Hey Willie."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Hey, how are ya?"
[M3:] "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself."
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Die, you fucking prick!
I hope you choke on a fucking bottle cap, ya fucking son of a fuck!
Eat shit! Eat my shit!"

[Another car approaches]
[Bishop Nelson:] "Hello Willie. Good to see you."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya.
That was quite a sermon you had the other day."
[Bishop Nelson:] "Hey, well I do my best."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
[Bishop Nelson:]
"Dollar twenty-five,
Willie. Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a blow job,
You piece of dog shit!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Ohhh! Have another one, you fucking lush!
It's not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fucking douche bag!"

[Another car approaches]
[M5:] "Hey!"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Well hey!"
[M5:] "Yeah, do you want the money,
Or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Well, I already heard that one you fucking unoriginal bastard!
Go suck a cock you piece of fucking repeating shit!"

[Another car approaches]
[F2:] "Hi."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Oh, hi. How are ya?"
[F2:] "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
[F2:] "Here ya go."
[Pays toll]
[F2:] "Thank you."
[Begins to drive off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?"
[F2:] "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
[Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "And here ya are."
[F2:] "Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Oh, uh... sign it?"
[F2:] "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
[Signing receipt]
[F2:]
"Just so I could have proof for my friends that
I met the biggest fucking dipshit with the smallest dick alive.
You understand."
[Drives off]
[Crumples up paper]
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Fuck you, you fucking uppity bitch!
I'll fucking fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front
Of your fucking mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm coming outta the booth!"
[Opens the door and runs out of the booth]

[Car screeches and hits him]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ooooh! My fucking leg!"
[M6:] "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
[M7:] "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a dried up stinky dick licker."
[Toll Booth Willie:]
"Why you fucking pricks.
I fucking hear every fucking word yer saying!
When this fucking leg heals,
I'm gonna kick you guys new fucking assholes! Fuck you, you mother fuckers! Come to the hospital!

[Everyone cussing eachother out]