A Boy And His Boat

(album: The Tryforce - 2019)

[Egoraptor (as Link):]
Hey, it's Link. I'm back, and I'm sailing on a ship
[Danny Sexbang (as the King of Red Lions):]
I'm the King of Red Lions!
[Egoraptor:]
Yo, I don't give a shit
If there's one thing I've learned from years of saving this land
It's all I really need is a sword and shield in my hand
[Danny Sexbang:]
But look over there, that sign says "Beware"!
"A giant pit no one can jump you can't fly through the air"!
You'll need a special item to get through that moat
But what do I know, right? I'm just a fucking boat!
[Egoraptor:]
Fuck, alright. Shit, okay
I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way
But as far as I'm concerned, all I need is "sword play"
[Danny Sexbang:]
Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, okay?

Your quest is long, and the road is tough
The path is dark, you're gonna need a shitload of stuff
No lives are spared, you'd better be prepared
Moblin fangs and a boomerang
And a cloth to shield that nasty wang!
From Majora's mask to an empty flask
Here's what you'll need to complete your task!

[Egoraptor:]
A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key!
And a second place trophy from a local spelling bee?
A candle with a handle, and a single Velcro sandal
Is this an old court order for a drug related scandal?
[Danny Sexbang:]
No...
[Egoraptor:]
Hey boat, all these items hurt my back, its a lot!
[Danny Sexbang:]
Pop a Tylenol, you bitch, you've got 87 slots!
Here's a hammer that can break any kind of rock that it hits
[Egoraptor:]
Oh!
[Danny Sexbang:]
And a pair of full-size studio drum kits!
[Egoraptor:]
Ugh!

[Danny Sexbang:]
A giant used Q-tip
A really small cruise ship
[Egoraptor:]
A parent's signature for a Disneyland school trip?!
[Danny Sexbang:]
Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax
[Egoraptor:]
And a legendary sacred hidden Golden Tome Of Fart Jokes!

[Danny Sexbang:]
This Wind Waker lets you control the air
And this sit maker is a really comfortable reclining chair!
The road is long, you must protect that schlong
Noble stallions and quake medallions
You're a bigger deal than plumbing Italians!
Sour-dough, a herd of buffalo
Just a few more things and you're ready to go!

[Egoraptor:]
Your grandma's glass eyeball
[Danny Sexbang:]
80-pounds of drywall
[Egoraptor:]
And every single item from the March issue of Skymall?
[Danny Sexbang:]
A vegan pasta maker
[Egoraptor:]
The wrestler "Undertaker"?
[Danny Sexbang:]
An odd number of crutches and a family of Quakers
[Egoraptor:]
A basket of muffins
[Danny Sexbang:]
A turkey with the stuffing
[Egoraptor:]
A pillow that needs fluffin'?
[Danny Sexbang:]
A society of puffins!
[Egoraptor:]
A fresh unopened box of raised-quality potato sacks
[Danny Sexbang:]
46 copies of "The Jerk" on Betamax!
[Egoraptor:]
It's getting kinda heavy...
[Danny Sexbang:]
I don't care, here's a Chevy!
And the Wacky World of Minigolf
Starring Eugene Levy!
[Egoraptor:]
Oh my god
I absolutely cannot carry one more thing!
[Danny Sexbang:]
Don't you worry, all that's left is this single piece of string

Woah...you see?
This is exactly why I also packed a spinal surgeon
[Egoraptor:]
...I hate you, boat