If I Was The King

(album: All You Can Eat - 2014)

If I was the King
I would get myself a bitching crown
And I'd make all the bitches call me Sir Michael Starr
I'd have a castle and a bitching throne
And at night I'd go into town
In a big stretch Hummer with a hot tub and a bar

If I was the King
I would outlaw clothes for chicks
So you could see if they shaved their pussies
Or if they were hiding dicks
I'd lower the drinking age
So little kids could get drunk too
And I'd make it a fucking crime to wear a wedding ring
If I was the King (It'd fucking be nice right)

I'd knock down all the schools
And put up licquor stores
And give free boob jobs to the strippers and the whores
I would outlaw condom sales
Feed the homeless to the whales
And if you didn't like steel panther
You would go to jail!

If I was the King
I'd make beer the official food
An you'd never have to take the trash out
If you happened to be born a dude
You could buy hand grenades at Starbucks
And take a shit right on the street
And I'd kill Katy Perry so I wouldn't have to hear her sing
If I was the King

Her comes the court jester man, whoa

And if the motherfucking peasants didn't like it
I would tell them all to suck my dick
Suck my dick
Suck my dick

I'd legalize masturbation
At every strip joint in the nation
And the minimum cup size would have to be a double D
Oh yeah
But if you were in a band
You wouldn't have to use your hand
There'd be mandatory blowjobs for guys like you and me!

If I was the King
Megan Fox would be my Queen
But I'd still fuck Christie Brinkley
And any girl older than sixteen
I'd execute One Direction
And drop a nuke on the middle east
But I'd take the oil first so we wouldn't have to feel the sting
If I was the King
If I was the King
If I was the King