The Irony Of It All

(album: Original Pirate Material - 2002)

Hello, hello
My name's Terry and I'm a law-abider
There's nothing I like more than getting fired up on beer
And when the weekend's here
I exercise my right to get paralytic and fight
Good bloke, fairly
But I get well lairy when geezers look at me funny
Bounce 'em round like bunnies
I'm likely to cause mischief
Good clean grief, you must believe, and I ain't no thief
Law-abiding and all, all legal
And who cares about my liver when it feels good?
What you need is some real manhood
Rasher Rasher, Barney and Kasha, putting peoples' backs up
Public disorder? I'll give you public disorder!
I down eight pints and run all over the place
Spit in the face of an officer
See if that bothers ya, 'cause I never broke a law in my life
Someday, I'm gonna settle down with a wife
Come on, lads, let's have another fight

Er, hello, my name's Tim and I'm a criminal
In the eyes of society, I need to be in jail
For the choice of herbs I inhale
This ain't no wholesale operation
Just a few eighths and some PlayStation's my vocation
I pose a threat to the nation
And down the station, the police hold no patience
Let's talk space and time
I like to get deep sometimes and think about Einstein
And Carl Jung, and old Kung Fu movies I like to see
Pass the hydrator please
Yeah, I'm floating on thin air
Going to Amsterdam in the New Year, top gear there
'Cause I take pride in my hobby
Homemade bongs using my engineering degree
Dear leaders, please legalise weed for these reasons

Like I was saying to him
I told him, "Fuck with me and you won't live"
So I smacked him in the head and downed another Carling
Bada-bada-bing, for the lads like
Mad fight, his face's a sad sight, vodka and snakebite
Going on like a right geez, he's a twat
Shouldn't have looked at me like that
Anyway, I'm an upstanding citizen
If a war came along, I'd be on the front line with 'em
Can't stand crime either, them hooligans on heroin
Drugs and criminals
Those thugs are the pinnacle of the downfall of society
I've got all the anger pent up inside of me

You know, I don't see why I should be the criminal
How can something with no recorded fatalities be illegal?
And how many deaths are there per year from alcohol?
I just completed Gran Turismo on the hardest setting
We pose no threat on my settee
Ooh, the pizza's here, will someone let him in, please?
"We didn't order chicken
Not a problem, we'll pick it out"
I doubt they meant to mess us about
After all, we're all adults, not louts
As I was saying, we're friendly, peaceful people
We're not the ones out there causing trouble
We just sit in this hazy bubble with our quarters
Discussing how beautiful Gail Porter is
MTV, BBC Two, Channel 4 is on 'til six in the morning
Then at six in the morning, the sun dawns and it's my bed time

Causing trouble? You're stinking rabble!
Poised, saying I'm the lad who's spoiling it? You're on drugs!
It really bugs me when people try and tell me I'm a thug
Just for getting drunk
I like getting drunk
'Cause I'm an upstanding citizen
If a war came along, I'd be on the front line with 'em

Now Terry, you're repeating yourself
But that's OK, drunk people can't help that
A chemical reaction happening inside your brain
Causes you to forget what you're saying

What?! I know exactly what I'm saying
I'm perfectly sane
You stinking student lame-o!
Go get a job and stop robbing us of our taxes

Erm, well, actually, according to research
Government funding for further education pales in insignificance
When compared to how much they spend on repairing
Lairy drunk people at the weekend
In casualty wards all over the land

Why, you cheeky little swine, come here!
I'm gonna batter ya! Come here!