National Sports Association Hires Retired English Professor To Name New Wrestling Holds

(album: Strange But True - 1998)

The National Association Of Sports Administration
Had a problem with one of its games.
Some of the wrestlers were winning their matches
With holds that didn't even have names.
The ringside announcer and most of the fans
Were surprised and completely confused,
So they hired a retired college English professor
To name the new holds that were used.

A Slow Dance With Trouble
Appointment With Pain
And a Dunk In The Devil's Teacup
King Tut's Crunch
And the Rubber Wrist Twist
Were all names the professor thought up.

And then he came up with the Slow Poke
(That's a wind-up and slow motion slap)
And the Porcupine Hug
ANd the Polar Bear Rub
And the Snap-crackle-pop-crackle-snap
The Lip Pull Hip Throw
And Tongue Twister
The Chin Pinch
And High Diving Splat
The Hair Pulling Eye Poking Nose Tweak
And something called Shaving The Cat.

After naming new holds every day for a week
He got kind of carried away
He started to talk the same way at home
Every time he had something to say.
Like:
"Darling, please pass me the tiny white balls
From the table top tumbler vault."
When all that he really meant to say was
"Honey, please pass me the salt."