Rehab Center For Fictional Characters

(album: Bo Burnham - 2009)

[Host:]
Uh well, hello everyone!
Welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters
Um, alright
Let's just get right to it
Who wants to start us off?
How 'bout you Kris?

[Kris Kringle:]
Um, alright
Hey, I'm Kris Kringle
I'm a sex addict

Hey I'm Santa Claus, I'm the king of snow
I hate my wife because she's a ho, ho, ho
She used to please me every day, then she made it clear
That Santa's only supposed to come once a year
Fucking bitch
Now I buy whores, rock and roll
And I stuff their stockings with my north pole

[Host:]
Okay Kris, thank you!
Alright, who's up next?
Patrick, frowny face!
Get up here

[Patrick O'Reilly:]
Alright
I'm Patrick O'Reilly, I'm a leprechaun
You all doing good?
Yeah, I'm not doing so good
I had a wonderful life, with a healthy household
And beautiful wife, and a pot full of gold... hah
Then my wife spent my riches all by herself, and since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf... Ugh
Now I drink all day and a part of me dies
'Cause my wife's getting gang-banged by the Rice Krispie guys

[Tony the Tiger:]
Hey I know them!

[Host:]
Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up
Where were you last week?

[Tony the Tiger:]
I had some stuff
Hey, I'm Tony the Tiger
Uh, fuck it
I'll just sing

Every day I wake up, I get to work late
My boss says, "Hey, whats up?"
I say that I'm grrrrrrrrowing tired of this shit
The kids they laugh, 'cause I'm a sensitive cat
"Big pussy!"
I can't argue with that
If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes
I swear on my life I'll... eat his parents

[Host:]
Okay, Ton, thank you
Um, so that's everybody
So let's just get down to it, um
Oh, who are you?

[Easter Bunny:]
Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah
I'm the Easter Bunny, hey I'm back!
Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack
Heaps of heroine ain't no joke, Marshmallow Peeps covered in coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke
COKE!
Drugs for life, that's my plan, but now I have no attention span

[Host:]
Okay, I'm gonna go get him, alright?
You guys, just please play nice, alright?
I'll be back in a second, okay?

[Kris Kringle:]
Hey Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick

[Patrick O'Reilly:]
Motherfucker
What are you laughing at, Tony?

[Tony the Tiger:]
I dunno
It's, uh
It's funny

[Patrick O'Reilly:]
This is getting ridiculous
Santa, Tony, would you guys please stop?

[Tony the Tiger:]
Oh, snap!

[Kris Kringle:]
Crackle and Pop
Haha, 'cause they banged your wife

[Patrick O'Reilly:]
I'm getting out of here
This is fucking ridiculous, huh