High Five

(album: Big Dumb Idiot - 2022)

I wanna, high five
I wanna, high five

I really want a high five
And if you give me one, I'll put my hand down
But if you don't give me a high five
Then I'll leave my hand up and cause a fucking scene

Crying grown man at your sister's birthday
Everybody asking who brought that guy?
I'ma get weird and ruin your life
If you don't give me five and make it—make it hi—high
Down low, too slow, oh, no
I just offered your nephew blow
Stepped on shit talking mostly speed
And I'ma tell everyone you sold it to me

I really want a high five
And if you give me one, I'll put my hand down
I've met your family, I know your home address
You better slap a brother's metacarpus, otherwise, I promise consequences

Heel toe, heel toe
Welcome to the frigging pain rodeo
I hope you brought your fighting chaps
'Cause I'm about to get you slapped
A-ea-ea, what's that sound?
Could it be me buying everyone a round of
Fireball, but then drinking them all
And then telling your girlfriend that you're cheating on her with me
Someone pissed in all of your indoor houseplants
Oh, who could that be?
Somebody organized a threesome with your parents
Oh, I'm a little bit naughty
Someone constructed an apiary in your bathroom
Thirteen thousand bees
Someone hacked your Twitter account
And now you're following Jeffrey Epstein
Does your employer know that you starred in a TV show
Called, "Michael once admitted to me that he had sex on his boss' desk"
And yes, that show exists, but I guess that you just missed
That I constantly film you for an occasion just like this
An occasion just like this
Ruined because you're being a dick
You'll damage our friendship, you'll break up the band
If you don't slap my hand

I really want a high five
And if you give me one, I will stop ruining your life
I don't know how it started, but this is how it ends
If you just slap my hand, we go back to best friends