Naughty Or Nice

(album: Big Dumb Idiot - 2022)

Naughty or nice, naughty or nice
I don't really care so I'm checking it once
Labor laws and we're short on supplies
So I'm taking liberties with the naughty or nice

Johnny is a good boy and donates his money
But he thinks Dane Cook is funny, naughty
Danica owns a car and gives her friends rides
Even though they don't go far she makes them pay for petrol, naughty
Michael farts in his hand then holds it on his brother's face
Pretty fucking funny but also pretty naughty
Joanna says thank you, is generally good
But all her answers on dating apps are food, that's basic

Naughty or nice, naughty or nice
I'm the big boy, so I decide, baby
If everybody's on the naughty list
It means that I don't have to deliver shit

Hey, Santa, do you have a moment?
Oh, hello Geoffrey, back so soon from your court mandated coffee break you Marxist fuck?
You can't talk to me that way Santa, and you gotta stop taking liberties with the naughty list, okay?
I can do whatever I want, I'm Santa Claus, baby
Why don't you go make me some more PS5s you lazy little communist?
That's not the point
You've made me seventeen PS5s
They are very difficult
For the entire fucking world so why don't you stay in your lane Geoffrey?
Santa, as your head of staff, I strongly advise
Oh, now you're strongly advising me, are you?
Come on mate
Whose face is on a Coca Cola bottle, Geoffrey?
Not getting into this
Is it your face, Geoffrey?
Just listen
Have they started a new campaign, Geoffrey, have I been drinking old Coca Cola
And have somehow missed your fucking face on all of the new Coca Cola bottles, huh?
Fuck you, Santa
Fuck off, Geoffrey

Phillip was named Phillip when he was born
But he makes his friends call him Felipe, I think that's naughty
Chris Pratt doing an Italiano accent for Mario
Here we go, right on my naughty list
A naughty man named Billy who touches his dirty willy
When he thinks no one is watching, I'm watching, that's naughty
Every single elf that signed up to unionize, here is a surprise, you are all assholes?

All through the year, I've been watching you
While you're been asleep, while you've been awake
While you've learnt to bake bread
I hear you say "I want to be the best me"
Fucking baking bread is boring, and that makes you naughty
"I'm gonna start rollerskating" then you spend your time inside
Drinking red wine and masturbating, naughty
Eleven months of the year my job is just to watch you
So next year, find something fucking entertaining to do

Naughty or nice, naughty or nice
I couldn't give a fuck and you can check on that twice, baby
And if I hear you complaining about me
I'll slap you harder than I slap that massive elf nerd, Geoffrey
Fuck you, Santa
No, fuck you, Geoffrey

Naughty or nice, naughty or nice
I'm the big boy, so I get what I like, baby
And what I like is telling every boy and girl
In the whole wide world that they're very, very, very not good
Naughty or nice, naughty or nice
I'm the big boy, and I'm bona fide, baby
If everybody's on the naughty list, it means that
Santa Claus does not owe you shit