I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home

(album: The Family's Fine, But This One's All Mine - 1982)

I came crawling home last night
Like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet
As she opened up the door
And she said, "You're not gonna do this anymore"

She said
"I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here
And you won't need to roam

We'll take out the dining room table
And put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way
To our bathroom down the hall"

She said, "Just bring your Friday paychecks
And I'll cash them all right here
And I'll keep on tap for all your friends
Their favorite kinds of beer

And for you, I'll always keep in stock
Those soft aluminum cans
And when you're feeling macho
You can crush 'em like a man"

She said, "We'll rip out all the carpet
And put sawdust on the floor
Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels
And I won't cook no more

There'll be Monday Night Football
On T.V. above the bar
And a pay phone in the hallway
When your friends can't find their car"

She said
"I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here
And you won't need to roam

We'll take out the dining room table
And put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way
To our bathroom down the hall"

She said
"You'll get friendly service
And for added atmosphere
I'll slip on something sexy
And I'll cut it clear to here

Then you can slap my bottom
Every time you tell a joke
Just as long as you keep tipping
Well, I'll laugh until you're broke"

She said, "Instead of a family quarrel
We'll have a bar-room brawl
When the Ham's bear say's its closing time, you won't have far to crawl
And when you run out of money
You'll have me to thank
You can sleep it off next morning
While I'm putting it in the bank"

She said
"I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you feel more at ease here
And you won't need to roam

Then when you and your friends get off from work
And you have a powerful thirst
Well there won't be any reason
Why you can't stop off here first"

She said
"I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here
And you won't need to roam

We'll take out the dining room table
And put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign to point the way
To our bathroom down the hall"

She said, "I'm gonna hire a wino to decorate our home
So you'll feel more at ease here
And you won't need to roam
We'll take out the dining room table
And put a bar along