A Little Priest

(album: Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street (2023 Broadway Cast Recording) - 2023)

[MRS. LOVETT:]
That's all very well. What're we gonna do about him?

[TODD:]
Later on, when it's dark, we'll take him to some secret place and bury him

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Well, of course, we could do that. I don't suppose he's got any relatives going to come poking around looking for him. You know me, bright ideas just pop into my head and I keep thinking...

Seems a downright shame

[TODD:]
Shame?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice plump frame
Wot's-his-name
Has...
Had...
Has...
Nor it can't be traced

Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift...
If you get my drift...
No?
Seems an awful waste

I mean
With the price of meat what it is
When you get it
If you get it

[TODD:]
Ha ha ha!

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Good, you got it
Take, for instance
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better, using only pussycats and toast
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste...

[TODD:]
Mrs. Lovett
What a charming notion
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Well, it does seem a waste

[TODD:]
Mrs. Lovett
How I've lived without you all these years

[MRS. LOVETT:]
It's an idea

[TODD:]
I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable
How choice!
How rare!

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Think about it
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be coming for a shave
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

[TODD:]
For what's the sound of the world out there?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd
What is that sound?

[TODD:]
Those crunching noises pervading the air?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd
Yes, all around

[TODD:]
It's man devouring man, my dear—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT:]
And who are we to deny it in here?

[TODD:]
Ah, these are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett. And desperate measures are called for.

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Here we are, hot from the oven

[TODD:]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
It's priest
Have a little priest

[TODD:]
Is it really good?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Sir, it's too good, at least
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh
So it's pretty fresh

[TODD:]
Awful lot of fat

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Only where it sat

[TODD:]
Haven't you got poet
Or something like that?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
No, you see the trouble with poet
Is how do you know it's
Deceased?
Try the priest

[TODD:]
Mm, heavenly

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Ah

[TODD:]
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate, either

[MRS. LOVETT:]
And good for business—always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it in Sundays...

Lawyer's rather nice

[TODD:]
If it's for a price

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow
It twice

[TODD:]
Anything that's lean

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Well, then, but if you're British and loyal
You might enjoy Royal
Marine
Anyway, it's clean
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been

[TODD:]
Is that squire
On the fire?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Mercy no, sir
Look closer
You'll notice it's grocer

[TODD:]
Looks thicker
More like vicar

[MRS. LOVETT:]
No, it has to be grocer—it's green

[TODD:]
The history of the world, my love

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favors...

[TODD:]
Is those below serving those up above

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Everybody shaves
So there should be plenty of flavors...

[TODD:]
How gratifying for once to know—

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT:]
That those above will serve those down below!

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Now, let's see...
We've got tinker

[TODD:]
Something pinker

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Mm, tailor?

[TODD:]
Mm, paler

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Potter?

[TODD:]
Hotter

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Butler?

[TODD:]
Subtler

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk

[TODD:]
Maybe for a lark

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Then again, there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark

Try the financier
Peak of his career

[TODD:]
That looks pretty rank

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Well, he drank
It's a bank
Cashier

Last one really sold
Wasn't quite so old

[TODD:]
Have you any beadle?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Next week, so I'm told
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it
And notice how well it's
Been greased
Stick to priest

Now this may be a bit stringy, but then again, it's fiddle player

[TODD:]
Ah, no, no, no, that's not fiddle player. That's piccolo player.

[MRS. LOVETT:]
How can you tell?

[TODD:]
Because it's piping hot

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Then blow on it first!

[TODD:]
The history of the world, my sweet

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd
What does it tell?

[TODD:]
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat

[MRS. LOVETT:]
And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd
Who gets to sell

[TODD:]
But fortunately, it's also clear

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT:]
That everybody
Goes down well with beer

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, how about Rear Admiral?

[TODD:]
Too salty. I prefer General.

[MRS. LOVETT:]
With or without his privates? Wi— "With" is extra

[TODD:]
What is that?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
It's fop
Finest in the shop
Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd
On top
And I've just begun
Here's the politician; so oily
It's served with a doily
Have one?

[TODD:]
Put it on a bun
Well, you never know if it's going to run

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Try the friar
Fried, it's drier

[TODD:]
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Then actor—
That's compacter

[TODD:]
Yes, and always arrives overdone
I'll come again when you
Have judge on the menu

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Wait! True, we don't have judge yet, but we've got something you might fancy even better

[TODD:]
What's that?

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Executioner

[TODD:]
Have charity towards the world, my pet

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Yes, yes, I know, my love

[TODD:]
We'll take the customers that we can get

[MRS. LOVETT:]
High-born and low, my love

[TODD:]
We'll not discriminate great from small
No, we'll serve anyone

[MRS. LOVETT:]
Meaning anyone

[TODD & MRS. LOVETT:]
And to anyone
At all!