Slap Happy

(album: Coming Home - 2022)

Listen to my words, welcome to the show
The J to the O, if ya don't know
I See a whole lot of people, but there's not enough rows
So ya gonna get slapped in the face
We got the furnace turned up, come on in from the cold
Now everybody clap when I dance, watch me go
If there's anything you need, don't be shy, let me know
But ya gonna get slapped in the face!

I'll slap you across the face when you least expect it
Run up and slap you across the face while you eating breakfast
I'll dip my hand in holy water, ask the priest to bless it
Break in and slap you across the face during your weeks confession
I'll slap you across the face like Brad Pitt in Fight Club
I'll slap you across the face wearing a steel knight's glove
I'll slap you across the face, over and over
Till you back up to the edge of a cliff then give you a slight shove!
I'll slap you across the face with a velvet locket
With pictures of me and a Shrink I've been seeing to help me stop it
I'll slap you across the face so hard
Anybody within a mile radius would swear a manta ray was belly flopping
I'll slap you across the face with a brick of cinder
I'll slap you across the face with an operational kitchen blender
I'll slap you across the face with a live chicken
Kill it, fry it, then slap you again with it as chicken tenders, I'm ridiculous!

Listen to my words, welcome to the show
The J to the O, if ya don't know
I can see a whole lot of people, but there's not enough rows
So ya gonna get slapped in the face
We got the furnace turned up, come on in from the cold
Now everybody clap when I dance, watch me go
If there's anything you need, don't be shy, let me know
But ya gonna get slapped in the face!

I feel as if ya face was made for slapping
I take you out drinking then slap ya face with the card that we paid a tab with
I'll slap you till you catch on, and take evasive action
Then start to slap you in increasingly more creative fashions
I'll sneak up behind you and slap you at the supermarket
Hold some chocolate milk up to your face and slap you through the carton
I'll break into your car, wait for you to come and start it
Then slap you across the face with the crap in your glove compartment
I'll slap you across the face while I'm asking you questions
With impossible answers, then slap you for having to guess em'
I'll tie prosthetic hands to ceiling fans
Hold you up to em' and slap you across the face in rapid succession
I'll reach out from your laptop, and slap you while you blogging
Hide out in the mailbox, reach up and slap you while you jogging
I'll befriend you for years, manufacture my own death
Then when you come to my wake, reach up and slap you from my coffin, I'm ridiculous!

Listen to my words, welcome to the show
The J to the O, if ya don't know
I can see a whole lot of people, but there's not enough rows
So ya gonna get slapped in the face
We got the furnace turned up, come on in from the cold
Now everybody clap when I dance, watch me go
If there's anything you need, don't be shy, let me know
But ya gonna get slapped in the face!

I'll slap you with anything that you own
I'll slap you with a dismembered chunk of your tempur pedic mattress foam
I'll slap you at the office, I'll slap you at your home
I'll stick my hand through the ear-piece and slap you through the phone
No matter where you go, my slaps are sure to find you
I'll get a job at McDonald's and slap you through the drive-thru
And when I slap you enough, you'll get amnesia and forget who I am
I'll introduce myself, and slap you to remind you
I run at the speed of light, time travel and cause commotion
Past present and future, I slap you from all approaches
I'll slap you post-mortem after cracking your coffin open
Then slap you before conception by slapping your fathers scrotum
I'll slap you in December. I'll slap you in July
I'll slap you across the face once for each digit of pi
I'll slap you till you stop moving, I'll slap you till you die
And on your way to Heaven, I'll jump up and slap you out the sky, I'm ridiculous!

Listen to my words, welcome to the show
The J to the O, if ya don't know
I can see a whole lot of people, but there's not enough rows
So ya gonna get slapped in the face
We got the furnace turned up, come on in from the cold
Now everybody clap when I dance, watch me go
If there's anything you need, don't be shy, let me know
But ya gonna get slapped in the face!