Answering Machine (Australian Bonus Track)

(album: Pack Up The Cats - 1998)

Hey guys what's up? I'll, uh, try to keep the accent to a minimum, uh, I was going to tell you the new album sounds great, uh, but it sort of sounds a little "sequencey". Thanks.

Hey Scott, it's Blake. Um, [?] kicking my ass, but uh, I ordered a pizza: all spinach, half jalapenos the way you like it. Anyway I'm flipping through the movie listings for tonight and uh, I've got it narrowed down to a few. I figured we could either go see "Death in Scarsdale" which is about a world-famous dermatological endocrinologist who becomes platonically obsessed with a boy he's treating for excessive perspiration, but then begins himself to suffer from excessive perspiration. Or we could go see "Very Small Flings", which is about the figure of Death presiding over the front entrance of a carnival sideshow whose spectators watch performers undergo unspeakable degradations so grotesquely compelling that the spectators' eyes become larger and larger until the spectators themselves are transformed into giant eyeballs in chairs; while on the other side of the sideshow tent the figure of Life uses a megaphone to invite fairgoers to an exhibition in which the fairgoers consent to undergo unspeakable degradations. They can witness ordinary persons gradually turn into gigantic eyeballs. If you don't feel like anything that heavy, we could go see, uh, "Three Chairs" oh wait, that one's got Zack Clogman we don't want to see that. I was thinking maybe we could go see "The Knight Wears a Sombrero", which is about a nearsighted apprentice cowpoke swearing vengeance for a gunslinger's rape for which he mistakenly believes is the motherly brothel owner that he is secretly in love with, but then he loses the trail of the gunslinger after misreading a road sign and is drawn to a sinister Mexican ranch where oedipally grieved gunslinger is richly blinded by a mysterious veiled nun. Um, I don't know, we could just go see a comedy also. Give me a call back, bye.

Scott, this is David. Um right. I'm in a awkward position, that's difficult to explain. Um, I'm at a party and there's English girls crawling up and down the walls ... Um, I've gotta go fast. Uh, I hope I see you at the Masquerade, OK? Bye.

Hey Scott, it's Blake. Uh, on second thought why don't we just go get drunk. OK, give me a call back, bye.

[Local H:] this is Renaldo Limbaugh from Los Angeles; and I'm calling about playing bass for you guys. Dude, I like saw your show the other day and I noticed you only had like two people on stage or something and dude, I'm like the best in LA so, like, give me a call. My number is 818-562-25...4. OK dudes, rock on.

Yeah, yeah um, this is a message for Local H. This is Elmore...Elmore Washterstrum and um, I just called to say I love you guys and also that you, um, you really inspire me and, um, I play guitar and I'm working on a riff right now, um, I wanted to play it for you, um, let me, let me put my phone in my amp here, um, hold on a minute. It mainly goes a little something Ive been working on it real hard butit goes something like this:

[Plays opening from "Bound for the Floor"]

I mean, that's all I have right now, but um, anyway I've been working on it and, anyway, I, that's all I have and, but you know, if you want to use it you can! Um, so, anyway I love you guys and uh, bye.

Hey Scott, it's Juliana again. Um, I forgot to say that the other night I went to see the Food Fighters, and um, I was talking to their drummer, Taylor, and I was telling him that I needed a new bass player, and he said he was talking about he was recommending this guy named Tommy who used to be in Loud Lucy and, um, I was just wondering what's up with Tommy who was in Loud Lucy? Do you know that guy? You probably know them because they were Chicago people, right? Um, OK, what's the scoop on Tommy? Bye.

Hi Joe, it's Jennifer; uh Julie and I were just calling to see if you made it home OK from your crazy night in Atlanta. Uh, give me a call when you get in, bye.

Hey Joe, it's Mark. I talked to that one guy, I got that stuff from that one place and I'll be talking to this other guy the day after next about that other stuff you were talking about. Give me a call later, bye.

Hey Scott, it's Nick. Um, listen, I found one of those Supero amps you were looking for. It's at this place in Atlanta called Midtown Music, and uh, the girl there ... her name is Jenny, you need to give her a call, it's 404-867-5309. Um, just give her a call, ask for Jenny, and um, she'll hook you up. See ya.

Pick up the fucking phone Joe, I know you're there you fucking prick. You're fucking with the wrong person because I will fucking cut you you know this I will fucking cut you.

Hi, I've got a message for Scott Lucas. Hey, it's, uh, Kevin. I was just calling because I found that article you want on, uh, penis enlargement without messy creams and vacuum devices and I can fax that over to you. Peace. Take care. Bye.

Hello? Are you there? Pick it up. If you're there pick it up. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Talk to you later.

Joe, you know you've got to call me when you get your ass home. Don't you ever leave me with the fattest chick that you can ever find. Now you get...how does that work bro? You get the smooth, fine chicks and I get the fat, ugly friend that's just hanging...she's looking like a slab of meat. Now someone ought to have told you that if her ass is as wide as the goddamn door, there is no way that I was going to be able to do squat with it. Am I right, or am I right? I like butt just like anyone else, but don't mean that I like a juicy porker of an ass! So come on bro, look out for me. Please, next time not the fat, ugly friend, OK bro? Just give me a little bit of love. If I get the sloppy seconds that's cool, but don't give me the fourths or fifths, OK? Thank you. Peace.

Hey, I just ordered a Pizza House, uh, pizza and if you don't get over here soon I'm going to eat the whole thing myself; it's got about 8 pieces and I'm about to eat 5 of them and that will leave you 4. Ha ha ha!

Where the fuck are you? We're having this crazy party and there's like, this strange English girl on stilts wearing a purple fly costume and she's like crawling on the walls and shit it's...it's all out of control! Heh heh heh, so call me back or come over you fuck. Bye.

Hey I've been here for 20 minutes and I'm still hallucinating where've you been? You get five minutes and then I'm out of here, all right? Bye.

Hi Scott Lucas. You're my daddy Lucas I think you might be my dad, bye.