Last Letter

(album: I Could Not Plan This - 2017)

I miss, I mi—, I miss you
Eh, fuck it!

This might be the hardest song I've ever had to write
Yeah, I dreamt about you last night
I only see you when I close my eyes tight
Yeah, I wish I told you how I felt before you left
But it just never felt right
Yeah, [*crying*]
I wish I told you everything before you left
I won't forget the day that they found the growth in your chest
The cancer took ahold of your body and then it spread
I talk to you more now than I ever did—I'm a mess
This song will never capture the pain that I could express
I learned from you that nothing is perfect, but try your best
I know you had your demons that younger me didn't get
And out of all our demons, our biggest might be regret
Relate more than ever, remember back when I would only see you every other week
And every other Wednesday, you would take us out to eat
Mom and you had split, so we're living in between
Looking up the word "divorced" to understand what it could mean
But I don't understand, Mom is with another man
You been drinking heavier, to me it was just another can
Culture full of broken homes, we were just another fam
Coulda left like other dads, you, you had another plan
So you stuck around, dealt a life that you probably would never choose
You bottled it inside and that bottle turned into booze
The Jäger took ahold and your body took the abuse
But finally found soberity, cried when I got the news
I know, been hurting more than I show
Inspired by your story, couple things you should know
I met this girl at my show, teared up by what I was told
She said, "I'm sober 'cause of you, you do way more than you know"
And I say—

And I say, "Ohh, please grant me the serenity
To accept everything I cannot change"
You, you always told me I had to do anything
To have you back, see you one day
I, I wonder if you see me when I fall, yeah
I wonder if you hear me now at all
Maybe if the world played this through speakers
I'd be loud enough to reach you, and you'll hear
My last letter for you

And I don't understand how you would stay so optimistic
You started chemo, fought the battle, never quit
That really left an imprint
And we would talk about our lives and after this
How we would live 'em different
See, Mom and you would put your differences aside
Every day she would visit, see the love and your vision
See the hurt in your smile, your wisdom is what I'm missing the most
I'll never be ready to let you go
I never felt so helpless it's outta both our control
You told me how you wanted to travel, next year you'll go
And your body had become fragile, not once did you lose your soul
We were told, it was progressing and you had less than a week
True love is every tear when we told you we had to leave
And how we would converse it, not once did we need to speak
That one day in late October you passed away in your sleep
I been crying when I think about it
I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, and now I live without it
I told you music was my passion, and you never doubt it
And people tell me they relate, but now I truly doubt it
Remember crying on your grave and yelling up to you, "How did I lose my way?"
I won't forget that summer was some of my darkest days
Was asking for a sign, sat in my tears and prayed
When I saw that sign you sent me, that day was forever changed
I know, I know, I should've been a better me
Oh, blame me when we argue, I said things I didn't mean
Me and you are who our issues should have always been between
So I'm sorry for the lack of communication from me
I just wish that you were here, so you could watch me win a Grammy
But more importantly to build a family
I hope I make you proud and become everything I can be
I hope they play it loud and send this letter where I can't reach
Sincerely, Mark

And I said, "Ohh, please grant me the serenity
To accept everything I cannot change"
You, you always told me I had to do anything
To have you back, see you one day
I, I wonder if you see me when I fall, yeah
I wonder if you hear me now at all
Maybe if the world played this through speakers
I'd be loud enough to reach you, and you'll hear
My last letter for you