Holding On To Smoke

(album: Disguise - 2019)

I'm tired of feeling comatose
I've lost the me that I loved most
I'm barely holding onto smoke
I'm barely holding on to smoke!

I'm not addicted but I'm not clean
Why do I do this to myself on repeat
So disconnected from my own reality
Am I man or machine

If I give, will you take?
As I lie for the taste
I just fuck it up
As you lap it up

(Go!)
Through flesh and bone
I walk alone
(Go!)
If I run will I fade away
'Cause I don't wanna leave it behind

In all my pride, all my shame
I find strength enough to show you
I may bend but I won't break
'Cause I define who I
Define who I become

I miss the me that I have not met
Choking in silence on the words left unsaid
I feel a sickness for a home I've never been
And I exist in black and white but now I'm seeing red

I built a shelter in complacency
Locked myself in and set fire
And threw away the key
Too scared to live but I'm afraid to die
So am I living or am I just alive?

In all my pride, all my shame
I find strength enough to show you
I may bend but I won't break
I define who I who I become

'Cause I'm tired of feeling comatose
I've lost the me that I loved most
I'm barely holding on to smoke
But I'm holding on, I'm holding on

Broken! I'm holding on
Driven! To right the wrong
Silent! Connected yet I feel so separated
Fallen! Through flesh and bone
Frozen! I stand alone
Deafened! In silence the voice remains

Behind my eyes, beneath my rage
I was struggling to get through
Out of time and out of faith
I define who I become!

In all my pride, all my shame
I find strength enough to show you
I may bend but I won't break
'Cause I define who I
Define who I become

'Cause I'm tired of feeling comatose
I've lost the me that I loved most
I'm barely holding on to smoke
But I'm holding on, I'm holding on

I'm tired of being human, tired of being numb
I'm waiting for the holy ghost to come
So save me from the webs that I have spun
I'm holding on, holding on
I'm holding on
Holding on to smoke!