The Mule Session

(album: Shhh...Don't Tell - 2004)

My girlfriend left me for a seven foot Indian
My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean
My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose
And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah
I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!)
Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got

But I've got my mule
He's a very, very nice mule
He walks with me home from school
Cause he's a very, very nice mule

When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel
But now he prefers to dine on his own stool
He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul
Cause he's a very, very pious mule

When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel
On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul
He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel
Cause he's a very, very Old school mule

A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool
He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool
When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel
He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul

And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel
[coughing]
When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool'
Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule

[snoring] Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over!

After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul
And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool
His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog'
I was just kidding you